Have to be extra careful
Woke this morning in a state of agitation and frustration. The inability to get adequate sleep is quickly wearing me down. I can feel myself getting dangerously close to a psychotic break and yet I can't convince myself to ask for help before I find myself randomly jumping off the nearest parking garage, just cuz it seemed like a really good idea at that particular moment.
Hoping to release the anxiety I was feeling, I paced back and forth in my room for a good hour, trying to calm the racing thoughts in my head. Trying to burn off this restless energy that keeps me from ever feeling tired. It helped, a little, but the anxiety is beginning to go off the charts again.
The positive in all this? When my anxiety is as high as it has been, my body burns through an unbelievable amount of calories and since I'm not eating a whole lot, I'm losing weight.
Anyway...the kiddie will be home this weekend, so I have to be extra careful to keep my brain in check and keep from blurting out any remarks that can be construed as "crazy". Hiding the anxiety is going to be impossible, but there's still a few Ativan left on hand to at least help manage it. She has plans with her best friend, so I'm not expecting her to actually be at the house a whole lot.
It'll probably do me some good to see her though. To help remind me why I'm still holding on and why I need to keep biding my time.
4 Comments:
Let us not call it biding your time because that implies you are still planning, at whatever point, to do it. And the thing of it is, no matter when you are planning for it, if you are indeed planning for it, you will destroy your daughter. Dying of natural causes (old age, heart attack, whatever) will crush her. Suicide will destroy her. So let us not say you are biding your time for her. Let us instead say you are searching for a reason to live, for her. Though she does indeed seem to be your reason to live. I understand you needing more than just her, but I suggest you dig deep and find it. Or go out into the world a search for it. I know you don't want to destroy her world, after all. So please, don't bide your time.
Anxiety sucks hardcore and you seem to be in the depth of it. I wish you felt better. Do not wait to long to take your medicine and call your doctor...if you have one. Stay strong.
I don't know anything about suicides, but Kurt Vonnegut's mother was a suicide, and he never stopped writing about it-even as an old, old man.
I hope you can find some strength, somewhere, to carry on.
Even if it's only for another hour.
It will be so, so good for you, believe me. Remember; you've got to get into it, to get out of it.
All the best, I know what the struggle is like.
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