Sunday, April 24, 2011

I give up

It's been made very apparent that I am no longer welcome in my own family. It's not just my brother-in-law that hates me, everyone else does too. So why the fuck didn't they just let me die? Why did they bother calling 911 if all they were going to do was hate me in the end?

I've already tried apologizing, twice, but the words have fallen on deaf ears because no one will even read what I wrote and they certainly won't take my calls.


I give up.

3 Comments:

Blogger Walkingborder (Karen) said...

OK, I'm going to be blunt.

I love you but you attempted a very very selfish act. And it wasn't very long ago at that. You need to give them time. They are hurt and angry. They have a right. They will probably never get over it, at that. But with time, they will probably get past it. But it's going to take time. You hurt them in a very serious manner. This will take more than a week or two. But the thing is, they love you. And that's why they called 911. And they will always love you, whether they want to or not. So give them time. They will come back to you.

My father, about a week before 9/11, inceidntly, attempted suicide by taking an entire (large) bottle of morphine. He lived in NC, we were in OH. I was still in highschool. We found out when my mom recieved a copy of his will and a note in the mail 4 days after he took the pills. By some miralce, he was still alive but barely. And I was, I don't even know what. Mad? Hurt? Furious? In despair? There are no words. 10 years later, I've gotten past it. Don't take that to mean I've forgiven him. My daddy tried to remove himself from my life. Daddies don't do that. But I'm past it. It took a long time, though.

Don't give up on your family. They haven't given up on you. But they are hurting right now. And rightfully so.

Look, I get what you are going through. BPD (maybe for you, unquestionable for me), depression, suicidal, the list gets on. I totally get you. Fine, maybe not 100%. We, after all, aren't identical. But I get it. And I've been on the brink of suicide. I haven't attempted yet, but there are days where the only reason I haven't attempted is because my boys are young enough to still really need their mom. I KNOW you get that. So don't think I'm attacking you in the whole suicide is stupid manner. (Granted, it is. I know you know that. I also grant you that sometimes it really does seem like the only solution. So you know, maybe, I dunno, was I saying something?) All I'm saying is I'm not trying to make you out as some horrible person for your attempt. But you do need to realize that it does affect EVERYONE who loves you. So you know, give them a break. Meanwhile, I get where you are coming from and will keep all this in mind next time I'm contemplating my own demise. Perhaps I've learned from your "mistake"?

I really hope you made it through all that. And if ever you need anything, well, I'm here.

1:25 AM, April 25, 2011  
Blogger In the Pink said...

I am sorry you are hurting but give your family time. They almost lost you and that probably scared them away from getting to attached. Prove that you want to thrive and I bet they will come around.

8:08 AM, April 25, 2011  
Blogger Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Fuck family!! I'm in a similar boat with my family, too. I'm ignored for the most part and shunned. No one but my parents ask me about my condition and how I'm doing with it. I see my friends as family better than my blood family.

Just because we share the same blood doesn't mean we should get along and spend time together. I'm about at the point of just writing them off. I don't want to have anything really to do with most of them, anyway.

Stick with your friends. They'll be there for you if they are true friends. Family is all too often a recipe for disappointment.

12:28 PM, April 26, 2011  

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