Tuesday, June 21, 2011

No swan dives

No swan dives in the middle of the night. The anxiety was so great that I was forced to leave the house shortly after my last post and I was driving around all night looking for a place that was high enough to jump from. There are plenty of places around here, just none that are accessible without a key, especially in the middle of the night when all the businesses are closed. Sadly, most of the parking decks near me are built into the ground so they are usually only 2 stories above ground. If I wanted two stories, I'd just climb on my own damn roof.

After driving around for about two hours, I managed to be first in line at Starbucks when they opened at 5 am. Wasn't really a line though, I was the only one there. Still wide awake and not sure what to do, I drove over and parked across the street from the hospital and called the intake department. Told them what was going on and surprisingly, the woman on the other end seemed rather blasé about the whole thing. She wanted my name, but I wouldn't give it to her. If she had been able to look up my history, I'm sure her attitude would have changed to one of urgency and I wasn't sure if I needed to be locked up again.

My therapist was aware of the mania because I had seen her earlier in the day. She was concerned and wanted to call my pdoc, since he still doesn't seem to think I have bipolar, though I clearly do. I told her about the list in my head, how it had to be followed in order and that killing myself wasn't on it, though it is times like this that I feel I'm far more dangerous to myself. Not only is there mania, but there are mixed episodes too. I'll be buzzing around flitting from one task to the next and suddenly start bawling.

All these emotions that I haven't been able to feel now want to come out all at once, and I don't want to feel them. I wanted to feel them when I actually was depressed and numb. Now that I'm feeling hyper, I don't want to be fucking crying. I don't want to feel hurt that I'm still being rejected by most of my family.

I did end up calling my pdoc, once I was able to remain calm enough to do so. He called back rather quickly and told me to stop taking the Wellbutrin, double the dose of Geodon from 60 to 120 mgs and take an extra 60 mgs immediately. He said if I don't feel better by the end of the day or tomorrow to go to the hospital. I took the extra 60 mgs, 1 mg of Ativan for the anxiety and some Benadryl for my allergies. That finally knocked me out at about 11 am and I slept til about 2 or 3 pm. Not much sleep, but I'll take it.

Anyway, in addition to cleaning just about every inch of the house, I was awake at 3 am Thursday scouring the web for financial aid stuff for the kiddie. We were still about $10k short of what she needs for school so I figured I'd help her search for scholarships and stuff. When she finally woke up on Friday, I began asking her all these questions, so we ended up working on her financial aid for most of the day.

Since my credit still sucks from when I was married, though most of that has begun to reach the statute of limitations and has dropped of my credit reports, not to mention the fact that I don't have a job, I figured there was no way I'd qualify for the Federal Direct Plus loan to help her out, but I had to at least apply in order for her to qualify for additional money from one of her other federal loans. I applied for the full $10k and was shocked as hell when I was approved.

I'll just pay the interest on it while she's in school (maybe a little towards the principal if I have extra to send) and the principal will be deferred til she graduates, at which time, she can pay for it. Even if she can't for some reason, $10k over 10 years at 7.9% interest isn't too much for me to afford even if I'm still on disability by the time payments begin. Sure beats the interest rate we'd have to pay if either one of us had to get a private loan from some random bank.

So she's now set for her sophomore year in college, the house is cleaner than it's been in years and I'll probably be in the hospital again. What a week it's been.


Blogger her motherless daughter said...

i have been reading for a while. my mother is BPD, but i don't know if she was ever suicidal. she never told me if she was. she's joked about it. but i know one thing: i needed my mother. i was better for having her. and even though we can't talk now, i'm glad you are there for your daughter. us kiddies love our parents, even in the throes of manic behavior. stay well, even if it means going back to the hospital. it was, and always will be, the thing i wish for the most for my mother.

10:33 PM, June 21, 2011  
Blogger FishRobber said...

I almost never have that level of mania, so I don't really know, but please keep yourself safe.

9:20 AM, June 25, 2011  
Blogger Normalwasnotmygoal said...

Even your writing is manic. I hope the switching of the medication helps.

On the plus side, atleast you've accomplished alot!!!

4:19 PM, June 27, 2011  

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