Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Lesson in frustration and futility

Going to see my pdoc has become an ongoing lesson in frustration and futility. He seems to think it's the Geodon causing the allergic reaction and wants me to go back on the Wellbutrin, even doubling it. He then added another antidepressant, Tofranil, a tricyclic that I haven't tried or at least I don't remember trying it. Aren't all these antidepressants supposed to be bad for someone with Bipolar?!? He did mention doubling the dose of Depakote too, but didn't send that information to my pharmacy, so I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing with that one.

I told him about the anxiety becoming more and more severe. About the short term memory loss that my therapist is extremely concerned about, but he just seemed to dismiss all that. Throw more pills at the problem and hopefully something, in some combination will eventually work. That seems to be the only answer every fucking pdoc has. All those years of medical school and that's all they have to offer us.

Being so frustrated and literally in tears, I didn't even bother to tell him I can't sleep or that the spiders and shadows have returned. I'm sure he would have just thrown another pill at me for that if I had said anything. I'm so ready to just go off all these medications again and wing it. I can't see my mental health deteriorating any farther than it has already gotten and I'd have the benefit of no longer poisoning myself with all these drugs.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound like you are in a bad place right now Sid and I am so sorry for that. It is sooo frustrating when you get stuck with a doctor who only wants to add and add more mgs and extra pills. My doctor tries to keep me off of anti depressants because they make my moods unpredictable. I only use them when in the depths of a serious depression.

If I were you I would get a second opinion from a general practitioner to see if all the meds are necessary. Also, some symptoms are just a part of us and we have to learn to cope with them instead of medicating them. Like, I cannot take anti anxiety meds since I may abuse them so I just take life a bit slower. I even took a year off of work due to my anxiety and I was picky with the current job I have. I wish you all the best Sid.

6:50 AM, August 03, 2011  
Blogger Walkingborder (Karen) said...

I'm to the point where I think you are seeing the wrong fucking Pdoc. Not sure how helpful that is to you, though. If you lived in central Ohio, I'd send you to mine. Sure, she would have you on meds, BUT she would actually listen and let you give input, and just all in all be better. It wouldn't be about cramming another pill down your throat unless you both agreed the pill would help.

4:16 PM, August 06, 2011  
Anonymous Depression treatment Center said...

Hang in there. Sounds like the meds are getting difficult to track. Perhaps another doctor's opinion? Find a doc that will look at the number of meds and interactions for you before you add any more medications?

8:17 AM, August 08, 2011  

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