Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Willing to take that risk

Two days of no Wellbutrin and one of no Geodon has already started having a noticeable impact on how I'm feeling. I began having an allergic reaction to something two days ago and since so far my only known allergies are to medications, I decided to stop two of the three pills I was taking and just take Depakote. Turns out my hunch was right and it is one of the other two medications that was causing it. I see my pdoc later today, so I guess we'll see what happens.

My therapist was rather alarmed by the fact that I had absolutely no recollection of having seen her any time in the past month. She swears I was there the previous two weeks, and even told me things that she would only know if I had been there...or if someone were spying on me. I'm not sure which reality to believe, hers or mine. She said that I was much more open and engaged than I've ever been in the 2 years she's been treating me during those two visits. Yet if I were so engaged, then how come I don't remember any of it? There's not even a hint of familiarity.

While short-term memory loss is nothing new for me, my daughter can easily rattle off dozens of examples, it's odd for it to cover such an extended period of time. When my therapist asked me what I thought was causing it, I didn't hesitate in my response. Without a doubt, it's all these drugs that I've been taking for the last 8 years. Instead of helping, they're making the situation worse by killing off brain cells. I'm doomed to have a drug-induced case of Alzheimer's. Even if I stopped taking all of them now, I think the damage is irreversible.

I told her I want to get back to the days where wanted to fly, except without the horrible panic attacks if I didn't act on the urge. Overall, it is the best I've felt in at least 10 years. I felt normal and alive, something I haven't felt in far too long. I enjoyed being so productive. Of course her response was that mania is dangerous. I'd be willing to take that risk just to feel human again.


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