Worry and wonder

In two days my daughter moves into her new apartment at her new college and quite frankly, I'm far more nervous about this move than I was when she first went off to college a year ago. It's not a worry for myself and how I'll handle things. I think it's a fear that this new college won't live up to my daughter's expectations. For the price we're paying for everything, it sure as hell should be a million times better than the state school, but you never know if you're getting what you pay for with colleges until you're actually there, submersed in the curriculum.

Just seems like this time around, even though we have some familiarity with how things work, there are a lot more unknowns and I think that's what's giving both of us a ton of anxiety. Even just writing about this topic is causing my anxiety to jump off the charts.

Not sure if I previously mentioned this, but her new "dorm" is actually a studio apartment in a building owned by the school. It's typically meant to house two students, but she's getting it as a single. It's approximately 5 times larger than either of her dorm rooms last year, plus it has its own bathroom and maybe a kitchen. I say maybe because we've gotten conflicting information from housing and students that live in the building as to whether or not there's a fridge, stove/oven and sink, so we won't know for sure until we show up. The move in booklet they sent, which is specific for her building, says not to bring refrigerators, so we're hoping the students that told us there is a kitchen are right. Of course that would make the people in housing idiots, which I think will prove to be the case.

Of course knowing housing has provided wrong answers only makes me worry and wonder about what other incorrect information we've been given from other departments....specifically, financial aid and their handling of our Federal Direct Plus loan. If they give us wrong information on that, we're screwed come next semester because we'll be about $4,000 short of covering all her expenses. I think I'm going to ask my daughter to go into their offices the first week of school with a printed copy of our concerns and ask someone in person to verify that what we've been told is correct. I don't want this to come back and bite us in the ass come January.

As for me in general, I'm still off most of my medications, though I did start taking the Ativan again. The prescription is for 1-3 pills a day as needed, but I limit myself to one pill a day, taken at night before bed, unless I'm really, really struggling with the anxiety. For the most part, my mood is holding steady, though if I were asked to describe how I feel I doubt I could give a response. I'm not happy or sad, but I'm not numb either. I just am, that's really all I can say.

I do manage to average about 7 hours of sleep a night, so I'm not sleeping too much or too little, though to me it feels like too little. There's little motivation or desire to do anything, but I manage to at least get the essentials done. The house needs some cleaning, though I'm waiting until after Tuesday so all my daughter's stuff will be out of the way. Guess that'll be a good test of how I'm feeling. If I'm doing okay, I'll get everything cleaned in about two days without fighting it. If I'm manic, everything (and then some) will be cleaned in less than a day. If I'm depressed, most everything will still be dirty this time next week.