Thursday, October 20, 2011

DNR

While more and more people are being persuaded to view depression by its hypothetical scientific definition, that of being a chemical imbalance in the brain, a hypothesis that is still unproven, I view depression from a totally different perspective. Having seen and lived with the devastation it leaves in its wake, I know depression to be a tangible, voracious being that lives inside its victims, devouring their sanity and destroying their will to live. It's a parasite that can either multiply very slowly, thus extending a person's suffering for years and years, or it can rapidly multiply, ending a life before anyone is even aware there is a problem.

Unfortunately, I'm infected with the one that is causing an agonizingly slow death. Part of that is my own fault though, because even when there are clear and obvious signs all around me that it's time to take my last breath, I keep reaching out to be resuscitated just one more time. Having a child will do that to you, make you keep fighting even when you have no fight left.

The numbness I had been feeling for weeks finally gave way to the misery, sadness and hopelessness I knew was brewing just out of reach and I have spent the last two week either in bed trying to forget I exist or in tears. I'm still angry at my pdoc's office for their fuck up of cancelling my appointment and to make matters worse, my therapist called this week and cancelled at the last minute too. Not because she wasn't in the office though, but because of some archaic Medicare or Medicaid rule that says she can't see me unless a pdoc is on site and none happened to come in that day. It was another sign that I'm never going to win the battle.

If my daughter hadn't already made plans for us to go out this weekend with her best friend, I'm not sure I'd still be fighting, still taking the medications I know aren't helping. Monday and everything after becomes a whole other story though. I'm so exhausted from fighting what I know is a losing battle and I will probably begin the process of declaring defeat. I just hope I can finally say "do not resuscitate".

7 Comments:

Anonymous another troll hater said...

I'd like to know you didn't allow my comments in this blog of yours:

http://themassdefective.blogspot.com/2006/09/foad-trolls.html

7:24 PM, October 20, 2011  
Blogger My Black Fog said...

So sorry you feel so bad. You just left a comment on my blog so I know you realize I am feeling the same. Your right,... sometimes it's our kids that are the only thing that keep us going.
Hang on,...
((hugs))

8:43 PM, October 20, 2011  
Blogger Sid said...

Another Troll Hater...

For most of the seven years I've had my blog I never moderated any comments, for many different reasons. Through google searches though, people invariably ended up leaving comments on posts that were several years old and because the posts were so old, I wouldn't know a comment had been left. I'd then get nasty emails or snarky remarks from people asking me why I didn't respond to their comment.

I then decided to turn on the comment moderation for older posts so I'd know comments were left, but because I'm not used to using that feature and it hasn't been that long since I first turned it on, I never even remember to check it to see if there are any comments there to be moderated. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I did release the two comments you left and they now appear on that post from 2006. Sorry. And I'm sorry that you've had experience with trolls. They suck.

10:14 PM, October 20, 2011  
Blogger Jen Daisybee said...

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I know the blackness of depression well, and it can often feel very futile to take medication when you're hopeless. However, I think it's great that you do see your reasons to live, that you have you're daughter, that you're writing and communicating what's going on with you, that you're taking your medications and going to therapy despite it all, and that you're still trying and not giving up. It is when people give up that all hope is really lost.

11:47 AM, October 21, 2011  
Blogger NormalWasNotMyGoal said...

I understand when the pain gets to be too much. Please hang on and hang in there.

6:13 AM, October 22, 2011  
Blogger Mildred Ratched said...

I'm still trying to understand depression and figure out if it's what's always kept me from achieving the life many say I was meant to have. If depression is the culprit, it's how I've always felt. Is it possible to be born depressed?

8:22 PM, October 22, 2011  
Blogger Sid said...

No one knows for sure, but I think people can be born depressed and I think I'm one of them.

11:53 PM, October 24, 2011  

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