DNR

While more and more people are being persuaded to view depression by its hypothetical scientific definition, that of being a chemical imbalance in the brain, a hypothesis that is still unproven, I view depression from a totally different perspective. Having seen and lived with the devastation it leaves in its wake, I know depression to be a tangible, voracious being that lives inside its victims, devouring their sanity and destroying their will to live. It's a parasite that can either multiply very slowly, thus extending a person's suffering for years and years, or it can rapidly multiply, ending a life before anyone is even aware there is a problem.

Unfortunately, I'm infected with the one that is causing an agonizingly slow death. Part of that is my own fault though, because even when there are clear and obvious signs all around me that it's time to take my last breath, I keep reaching out to be resuscitated just one more time. Having a child will do that to you, make you keep fighting even when you have no fight left.

The numbness I had been feeling for weeks finally gave way to the misery, sadness and hopelessness I knew was brewing just out of reach and I have spent the last two week either in bed trying to forget I exist or in tears. I'm still angry at my pdoc's office for their fuck up of cancelling my appointment and to make matters worse, my therapist called this week and cancelled at the last minute too. Not because she wasn't in the office though, but because of some archaic Medicare or Medicaid rule that says she can't see me unless a pdoc is on site and none happened to come in that day. It was another sign that I'm never going to win the battle.

If my daughter hadn't already made plans for us to go out this weekend with her best friend, I'm not sure I'd still be fighting, still taking the medications I know aren't helping. Monday and everything after becomes a whole other story though. I'm so exhausted from fighting what I know is a losing battle and I will probably begin the process of declaring defeat. I just hope I can finally say "do not resuscitate".