Actually hope for things

Haven't posted for awhile because I've been busy. Busy going from suicidal to homicidal to numb to manic and everything in between multiple times each day. Nightmare-ish would be an apt description for these last two weeks, though now I just can't sleep and I'm more manic than anything.

Finally saw my therapist this past Monday, after she cancelled on me again the previous week, making it three weeks in a row. I wasn't mad about the last one because I know her children are still little and it was Halloween. I used to take off work every Halloween too so I could help at school with the Halloween party and see all the kids parade around in their costumes. That was during my "sane" days. Oh, and it was also my wedding anniversary too, but I doubt I would ever have taken the day off just for that.

Anyway, the session has already become a vague memory. I remember her asking about how I'd been doing the previous three weeks and being unable to really recall much of anything so we just focused on how I was feeling that day, which was pissed off, manic and anxious. I also remember shedding a tear or two but I don't know why. I never seem to feel completely present when I'm in her office, which is probably a coping mechanism that allows me to avoid talking about anything difficult.

After meeting with her, I had an appointment with my pdoc. Someone screwed the scheduling up again, but at least I was able to see him. The card they gave me before I'd left without getting to see him in October had my appointment listed at 2:30 pm, but the automated reminder call I received said my appointment was at 3:30 pm. I called them before I went to see my therapist to verify the time and they said it was 3:30. I showed up at 2:30 anyway. With the way my luck goes, if I had waited until 3:30 they would have told me sorry, you missed your appointment and I would have been forced wait another month to see him.

I told him about how the TMS experiment went horribly wrong. He half says, half asks "you only had one treatment". I told him I had one full treatment, but that I was there 3 days. The first one being where they couldn't determine my motor threshold so I was asked to come back two days later after they'd spoken with their representative from the machine manufacturer. Told him how on the second day I endured the torture of excruciating pain for the full hour because they kept insisting it would decrease. Then I explained that on the third day, after spending the weekend scouring the internet, where every mention of the treatment says the pain should just be mild to moderate, I insisted that they had to have the machine at the wrong pulse strength or aimed at the wrong spot on my head because it shouldn't be causing such incredible pain. Said that the nurse talked to the pdoc that oversees the treatment (and by that I mean he kind of just stood there while the nurse did most of the motor threshold mapping, though neither seemed completely sure what they were doing because the machine is still new to their office and once the mapping was done, the pdoc left and wouldn't be back, the nurse does all the treatments) and then she tried to make some minor adjustments, but that didn't diminish the pain. Her demeanor and the fact that the pdoc wouldn't come redo the mapping made me feel like they thought I was just over-exaggerating the pain I was in. My pdoc didn't say anything in response to my experience, so who knows if he believes me or not.

Based on the symptoms of cycling he upped the Depakote and added Geodon back in to the mix. I'm not on the full dose of Geodon he wants me on because I had the same problem I had when I took it earlier this year in the hospital. It made me queasy, or maybe it was the double dose of Depakote, or even both. I cut the Geodon dose in half to find out and I've felt a little bit better every day since. On Monday I'll take the full dose of Geodon and see what happens.

The last few days I've been in a relatively good mood, though sometimes it's been too good of a mood. Wednesday was pretty bad. Talking nonstop, jumping from one topic to another so fast my daughter couldn't keep up. Kept interrupting her when she was talking. Feeling so antsy that it sent my anxiety off the charts. The anxiety was so bad I couldn't even write and could barely type, which is why I was talking to my daughter on the phone rather than just texting. Been spending money I know I shouldn't be but so far have been able to keep it somewhat contained. I'm not overdrawn and I have enough to pay my bills this month, but if I keep spending I will be broke before the end of the month.

Maybe once I get the Geodon increased my mood will level out. It'd be so nice to just feel good. To feel a sense of contentment. Nothing high, nothing low. I know that's just wishful thinking on my part, but while I'm feeling good, I actually hope for things to be better one day.