Sliver of optimism

Looking at the calendar, it's hard to believe we're already a week and a half into the new year. Time seems to be moving rather rapidly, but I'm sure it's just a temporary illusion. Let's review what's happened over the last month or so...

After my last post, I slowly began to feel better, but it was very, very gradual. Took me until the week before Christmas to get up the energy and desire to put up decorations and as soon as Christmas was over, I wanted them down again, but it took until this past weekend to do it.

I don't feel I have ever reached a point where I would consider my mood to be "normal", but I have at least gotten to where I don't feel the utter despair or ambivalence of depression, nor do I feel the extreme delusional high or giddiness of mania. I'm definitely still in a mixed state, just a very mild one, and this is as close to feeling "cured" as I have ever come since losing my mind in 2003.

I made unhealthy choices this past holiday season, primarily eating way more than I should have and I think I packed on 30+ pounds as a result. I didn't make any resolutions to lose the weight, since I believe resolutions are a way to set yourself up for failure even before you begin, but I have given serious consideration to making a weekly workout chart and scheduling some exercise and stretching into my day.

Despite the negative of the weight gain, I did make one major healthy choice at Christmas....I chose to not spend it with my family. While I did make amends with my younger sister & her husband, I have not done so with my brother and since he was going to be here for the celebration, I felt it was better to just leave. I didn't want to deal with uncomfortable silences or any sort of confrontation. I would like to know why he chose his relationship with our brother-in-law over his relationship with his own flesh & blood, but knew Christmas Eve was not the proper time to be bringing up such a touchy subject. Instead, my daughter and I spent the evening downtown having a four course meal at The Melting Pot. It was relaxing, fun and drama free. Couldn't have asked for a better time. Then on Christmas Day we both went to her boyfriend's house to celebrate with them. I actually surprised myself by accepting the invitation, but I'm glad I went. I had a good time.

New Years was spent at the party my sister threw at her house with one of her friends. I wasn't feeling mentally well, so I kind of stayed on the fringes and didn't jump into the conversation that much. I probably should have stayed home, but didn't want to cancel at the last minute. It wasn't horribly unbearable to be there, I just wished I had stayed at home, curled up on the sofa or in bed.

Not sure what all 2012 has in store for me, but I know there will be struggles. My daughter just turned 20 the other day, so that's an adjustment, knowing I no longer have a teenager. She's also started looking for her first apartment, so she'll be moving out sometime over the summer. She has new medical challenges to face, which won't be easy, but we'll do our best to get through them. Hopefully I can stay out of the hospital this year. I think if I can do that, then maybe I will start looking for a job come November/December.

I don't want to jinx myself and say it, but I will anyway. I'm a staunch realist and know my life is destined to be horrible, but right now there's a tiny sliver of optimism that I want to grab hold of and see where it takes me.