Thursday, February 09, 2012

All too familiar voice

After three tries, I finally updated my header. The first two were similar but didn't sit well with me, so I chucked them into the cyber wastebasket. I think this one is fitting for the moment. The clapboard signifies how I feel as if though I'm living my own personal Truman Show. I keep waiting for that camera to fall from the sky so I know that none of this is real.

The frustration and futility go along with being rather dejected and discouraged with life right now. I was cautiously optimistic that the feelings of normalcy would continue for an extended period of time. That finally, after 8 long years of trying, I'd found the right medication combo that would keep me stable and allow me to resume being a productive member of society. However, the positive effects of the meds have dwindled away and as they have receded, I've been deposited on the doorstep of yet another soul-sucking depression.

I'm trying really hard to just keep moving, but all I hear are the echoes of that all too familiar voice. Stay in bed it tells me, it's not like you have anything better to do. Let's skip the shower today, you don't have any place to go. While we're at it, let's skip food today too because it'll just taste like cardboard.

I ignored the voice as best I could. Finally convinced myself to get out of bed at around 3 pm and at least brush my teeth and wash my face and hair. I had a reason to move, had to get to the pharmacy. I saw my pdoc on Tuesday and he prescribed Ludiomil for the depression. Since it's not a popular drug, the pharmacy had to order it in, which took a couple of days.

Little did I know, picking it up would be a nightmare, but that's how things go...especially when I'm depressed. I called ahead to make sure it was ready and was told it was. Drove over there only to find out it actually wasn't ready. They were having computer problems and couldn't access my insurance information in order to get confirmation of what my co-pay was. Fucking assholes. Why did you tell me it was ready when it clearly wasn't?

So I come home, force myself to eat dinner and call them again to see if they got the information they needed. I'm told that my prescription is ready this time and exactly how much it will cost. Drive over there and the first thing out of the pharmacist's mouth is "there is a computer problem and we don't know how much this will cost". What the fuck?!? They are lucky I decided to use the drive-thru instead of going in the store because if I had gone in, I would have climbed over the counter and strangled the woman.

Why does the shit pile on top of you when you're depressed? Had I been feeling well, my prescription would have been ready the first time. I know this because I've never had a problem getting prescriptions except at times when I'm least stable and am mentally unprepared to deal with a stressful situation.

I'm not hopeful that this new medication will even work. I've taken other tetracyclic antidepressants, including Remeron and Amoxapine, with either no results at all or horrible side effects. But I'll swallow this like a good little girl every night and hope for the one side effect my pdoc warned me could cause a manic episode. I'll take that over how I feel right now any day.


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