Just call me Ms. Lumpy

Didn't mean to leave things hanging after my last post. Life just got in the way. More doctor visits and my daughter moved home from college for the summer, so it's been a hectic couple of weeks. 

After meeting with my doctor, I was told I needed to get a diagnostic mammogram with compression. That differs from the regular screening mammogram I had at the end of April in that they take the compression aspect very seriously and squish your boobs so fucking hard you think they're about to pop, like a balloon. Not fun. They still didn't like what they were seeing on the mammogram, so they asked me to stick around while they tried to reach my doctor and get approval to do an ultrasound to further investigate my lumpy breasts. 

The ultrasound took a long time, which concerned me. I thought there was just one lump on the left. Turns out there were multiple lumps on each side. Most of them were just cysts, but they are concerned about one on the right side. They don't think it's anything bad and suggested I come back in six months for another mammogram to see if there are any changes to it. I'm not lucky enough for it to be cancer, so just call me Ms. Lumpy. I do regular self exams and I have yet to feel any of these lumps they've found. 

The x-ray of my lower back showed signs of arthritis, so I started physical therapy today. I'm hoping that will help strengthen my lower back to rid me of most of the pain. I plan to ask the therapist if the pain is supposed to get worse before it gets better. I never used to have any pain at all while sitting, but after the exercises he had me do today, I am in pain, though it is minor. 

Also saw a specialist about my intestinal troubles. Lucky me, I get to have a colonoscopy on Friday. I don't think I'll mind them cramming a camera up my ass, cuz I'll be unconscious, but I'm already thinking the preparation for such a procedure is going to be extremely difficult. I'm used to being on the toilet for hours while my intestines clear themselves out. I'm even used to drinking gross stuff with no problem (like the charcoal stuff they give you for overdosing). I'm just worried about not eating any solid foods for nearly 2 days. If I go just a few too many hours, I start to get super shaky and feel like I'm going to pass out. I'm also concerned about having to drink so much liquid - 96 oz in less than 24 hours. I think there are times when I don't even drink that much liquid in a week. 

Been so focused on my physical health that I've shoved all the mental stuff to the back of the line and it's not happy being ignored. As I begin doing more and more each day, I can feel the anxiety rising and cracks are starting to form in the walls holding back all those emotions. I continue to cry very easily over the dumbest stuff. I feel overwhelmed and just want to crawl into bed and ignore the outside world and my own existence. And yet everyone, my therapist included, thinks I'm doing so much better. If they only knew...