Drug-free

For the first time in years, I am psychotropic drug-free, well almost anyway, and I'm excited! Saturday I took the last pill of maprotiline and I've been off the Depakote for a week now. Other than the Ativan, which I take maybe once or twice a week, I'm done taking the daily medications.

Now...how do I feel? Surprisingly stable. There's a dull ache in my head which I can tell is a result of it longing for the drugs it's no longer receiving. It literally feels like my brain has shriveled, almost as if it's been dehydrated. Not a pleasant feeling, but I've felt this before when I went off the Seroquel so I know it's just something I'll have to deal with until my brain physically accepts the fact that I'm no longer sending it the poison it'd been getting for so long.

The desire to drink to take the edge off quickly waned after my last post and I haven't had anything stronger than a Pepsi since Sunday. Luckily I didn't waste my money stocking up on liquor while the desire was still there.

One absolute positive that's come from being off the meds is that I now know they were the cause of my acute digestive problems. The chronic & severe diarrhea that was so bad that I subjected myself to a colonoscopy to see if I had cancer or something turned out to just be a side effect of the meds. I feel like a fool, that I should have known that was the cause all along, but for some reason that thought had never crossed my mind.

The withdrawal has made it hard for me to sleep, but not impossible. If I'm lucky I'll only toss and turn for an hour or two before I eventually pass out. Last night was the worst, but I think that's because my daughter and I stayed up way too late watching old So You Think You Can Dance routines on YouTube. I never took the time to unwind before climbing into bed as I usually do, so my brain wasn't prepared to shut down for the night. Hopefully tonight will be better.