Focus

One of my aunts passed away yesterday, at the age of 89, and it has had more of an effect on me than I ever could have imagined it would. I hadn't even seen her in more than 20 years except in photographs, but still I am deeply saddened by her death. Not so much because she is gone, but rather from the thought that my cousins no longer have either of their parents alive (their father was murdered some 30 years ago).

It's strange that my mind would focus in on that aspect of her passing, especially since those particular cousins are significantly older than me with well established lives and families of their own. Surely they didn't have a major reliance upon her for love and support for quite some time. The familial roles had reversed at least three years ago when she was given just six months to live and my cousins became her caretaker.

Maybe it's just bringing to mind my own reality and how my daughter will be left alone when I die. Sure her father is physically alive somewhere (at least that's the assumption), but for all intents and purposes, he's dead to her. She has no siblings to reach out to and lean upon in shared grief. Right now she has my sister, her paternal grandmother, her best friend and her boyfriend, but none of them could come close to filling the void in her life if I were gone tomorrow.

I have not seriously considered suicide since my last attempt in April of 2011, and while I can feel the slowly encroaching depression, I at least have this food for thought to grasp hold of for a change: she would not be better off without me.