Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Too fast too soon

I'm the kind of person that hates to be late, even by a minute, so I tend to show up at least 15 minutes early for everything. So yesterday, as I sat waiting in the lobby for my therapist, I kept reading the plaque on the wall across from me. It's a plaque I noticed last week and read numerous times, but for some reason the wording on it never registered. Finally, after reading it over about 5 more times yesterday, it did. It was in memory of Miss T, the bitch that told me to go back to drinking and cutting because I wasn't hurting anyone but myself.

When I hadn't seen her for awhile, I thought she had moved on to another job, got fired for being a shitty therapist or relapsed. Turns out she died last year. I googled and found her obituary, but no information anywhere about cause of death. Wish there was some way to find out if she died from relapsing. That would be some major karma ass kicking right there.

Anyway, I do have a new therapist, Miss M. I'm not sure what to make of her yet other than I think she's pushing me to go too fast too soon. I've met with her four times now and I've been driven to tears each time. The last two weeks I've left her office so emotionally overwhelmed that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep myself safe. Last week I didn't. Yesterday I fell asleep before I could do anything.

What's weird is, we haven't really delved into anything that should have me crying. She's been asking lots and lots of questions, more than any therapist before her ever has, and I'm sure she just views it as getting to know me better. I view it as someone I don't know prying into my life because some of the questions she has asked are completely irrelevant to my treatment, like what was the name of my roommate I was living with when I got pregnant. Why would she want or need to know that?

One thing I do hate that she does is the whole "I'm sorry you never received the attention/validation you should have as a child". To me that is the single most patronizing statement therapists make to their patients. I don't need or want your false sympathy. I can get plenty of that elsewhere.


Blogger FishRobber said...

Do you feel like it is okay to tell her when she is pushing too hard? it would suck if she was good for you but drove you away with her methods. Can you allow yourself to let her pry just a little without being afraid that she might hurt you?

I know you have had shitty luck with therapists in the past, so I don't blame you for being wary of a new person. It is so hard to trust someone, even if they are a "professional".

8:54 AM, November 22, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Sid, this may come across as mean but believe me when I say that is not how I am intending it to be taken. I am saying this from a place of love so you can benefit from therapy. First I agree that the deceased therapist was a douche for saying that to you but don't take your distaste for her into your new therapist and the sessions. You shouldn't be focusing on what you don't like and judging your therapist. I guarantee she has good intentions at heart. Or so I hope. And if you are tired of people trying to validate you in the present for your lack of validation as a child then straight up tell her that. Say, I am tired of living in my shit past and I am ready to focus on the present and how you can help me deal with my current anxieties. Sure they might stem from your past but there are ways of dealing with it without trudging through the past.

Okay all that said....I applaud you for continuing with therapy. I really do hope it helps you, even if it ends up with a different therapist.

In the Pink

9:00 AM, November 22, 2012  
Blogger Sheri Weinberg said...

I've been through so many therapists, it's so hard to find the right match. I can't stand it when they get patronizing. I've also had a couple fall asleep while talking to me, and one who interrupted me to tell me about her vacation. Keep going, and try to speak up about what makes you uncomfortable about speaking with her.

10:19 AM, November 23, 2012  
Blogger aurevoir said...

Patronizing statement for sure. One of the many reasons why I used to get frustrated with therapists. My focus as of right now is this "they are people too". So when I see it under that light to tell the truth I know sometimes I'm evil and get angry and say all sorts of things to them. And in fact I'm surprised how they haven't locked me up lol. So... in that way I believe...there is only so much therapists can do for us really when we talk we start finding out the answers by ourselves in some way. Well that's my experience.

5:12 PM, November 25, 2012  
Blogger Sid said...

Thanks for the replies. I have been trying to speak up more, in fact today she said I seemed more engaged. It just feels really, really uncomfortable, because none of my previous therapists have ever gone through the trouble to get to know me, as a person. They didn't drill me on what my life is like, what it was like prior to getting sick, who's in my life, when (if ever) I was happy, etc. There just seems to be so much she wants to know that it's unfamiliar. Heck, I haven't even had friends dig this deeply into my life to get to know me. I'm trying to be patient with her and remember that this is a new therapist with different ways of doing things.

3:44 PM, November 26, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hello Sid remember me,mizeeyore (genelle)? I saw was looking at my old blog and some of my older posts and remembered I hadu as a friend. I hope you are well and I hope your new pdoc will be good for u. take care!

12:11 AM, March 04, 2013  
Blogger Sid said...

I do remember you Genelle! I still think of you from time to time and wonder how you're doing. I hope things have been going well for you and your family. If you return to blogging, you'll have to definitely send me the link!

6:38 PM, March 09, 2013  

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