Want to hope

I have no idea what to do with myself, but I had better come up with a plan quickly. My daughter left today to go on vacation with her boyfriend's family and even though they will only be gone six days, her absence is triggering an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness because it has made me fully aware that in just under a month she moves into her first apartment. The one thing my life has revolved around for nearly 21 years will no longer be physically present every day, or even every weekend, every holiday and each summer as was the case when she stayed in campus housing the last two years.

I'm so excited for her to enter this stage of her life, but so incredibly scared for myself. What do I do now? Where does my life go from here? There's one serious case of empty nest syndrome brewing inside me and the nest isn't even empty yet.

When I think of things I could do...get in shape, get a job, go to school, build an actual life...I can't convince myself that those are realistic goals. Those are things others are allowed to long for, to strive for, to achieve. I've attempted those things many times in life only to be slapped in the face by reality saying shame on me for hoping, wishing and thinking I deserve anything more than misery out of life.

And still, I want to hope...