Square one again

Been gone for much longer than I thought I had been. Not sure where the first part of September went, but the last two weeks and the first two weeks of October went to attending the outpatient program at the hospital again. The last time I tried to do it was in April of 2011 and I only got through half a day before I came home and attempted suicide. Knowing that I was becoming more and more despondent, I joined and did the full program, the first time I've completed it since 2009. 

Of course, if you do the program more than once, they treat you like shit. Or maybe it's just me that they treated like shit. Constantly harassing me about what I'd hoped to get out of the program. Threatening to kick me out if I didn't speak up more often. And best of all, the woman that was my case manager in 2009 kept giving me dirty looks every time she'd see me. Even when she was giving a lecture, if she looked my way, she gave me the stink-eye. How nice.

My therapist was of the view that I either needed to do an outpatient program, or I needed to be locked up for my own safety. She had wanted me to do the outpatient program at the center she was at, but the one at the hospital is only 10-15 mins away, so I figured I'd just do that one cuz it's nice and close, plus my pdoc is on staff there so I could see him while in the program instead of seeing someone that had no clue what my medication history was.

The first week of the program I called my therapist and specifically requested that when I was done, I wanted to remain with her as my therapist. One of the things they told me during registration was that they'd look at my therapy and consider if any changes needed to be made. Since I didn't want any changes, I relayed that directly to my therapist. At that time, I could tell from her voice that something wasn't quite right, but since she didn't say anything other than she'd call my case worker since they hadn't called her, I pushed the feeling aside.

The fucking bitch should have told me right there the news she actually had for me instead of waiting until last week Monday, the final week I was supposed to spend in the program. She called me at 8:30 pm, which was odd, she never calls that late. At first I wasn't going to answer, figuring she was just cancelling our next appointment and needed to reschedule, something that could have waited since my appointment was still a week away. Instead I was nice and answered it.

She wasn't calling to reschedule. No, the bitch called to tell me her husband took a job in California and that last Friday would be her final day of seeing patients. What the fuck?!? She couldn't have told me this sooner when I still had weeks in the program and could have possibly talked to someone there about it? Supposedly she didn't know about it until the last minute, but I highly fucking doubt that she wasn't aware her hubby was job shopping and I highly doubt a move across country would be planned "at the last minute", especially when she has school aged children that she'd need to break the news to and prepare them to be moved away from their friends.

She still wants to see me tomorrow so we can, in her words "talk about it". What the fuck is there to talk about? The fact that you lied to me or the fact that I now don't have a therapist and if I do get another one, I'm back to fucking square one again trying to figure out some way to trust some other schmuck that will eventually lie to me and leave. Hell, at least the bitch that told me I should go back to drinking and cutting cuz I wasn't hurting anyone but myself was at least honest with me. So far, she's the only one that has been. How fucked up is that?

Being incredibly pissed off at her and sick of being treated like shit in the outpatient program, I quit a few days early. I was supposed to stay until last Friday, but since my case worker was quitting (she at least gave us all warning) on Wednesday, I filled out the discharge paperwork with her and said I was leaving immediately, I wouldn't be coming back for the final two days.

I'm still incredibly pissed off and not sure if I should even go see my now "ex" therapist tomorrow. There seems to be no point. Nothing she can say to me will undo the damage she did when she chose to lie to me, and it doesn't matter if I hate her anyway, she's no longer my therapist.