The idiot I am

So much has gone on lately that I'm not even sure where to begin. The fuzziness in my head and raging insomnia aren't helping with concentration any, so if this is less than coherent I at least have a good excuse.

Guess I'll start with the devastating news...my daughter moved out this past weekend. I've known this day was coming since June when she signed the lease, but somehow I was still woefully unprepared. I'm not even sure how to come to terms with it or how to react, so I just try to not think about it. I haven't been able to shed any tears thanks to my mastery in avoidance, despite the fact that it feels like someone ripped my heart out and there's a gaping hole left not only in my chest, but in my whole world.

Maybe there's nothing to come to terms with. She's been away at college for two years already, coming home on weekends, holidays and for the summer. For the most part, I'm sure that won't change, so having her gone isn't really a new experience. But it's different. She has an apartment that she signed a 12 month lease for. It's not like campus housing where they kick you out over winter and summer break. She doesn't ever have to come home again if she doesn't want to. I guess I fear she'll decide she doesn't want to.

I told her on Friday that I have been off medications for over a month now. Her response? "I know mom, I could tell." I didn't bother to ask how she could tell, though I probably should have. I don't feel I've been acting strangely or showing signs of depression or mania. Apparently that's not what others are seeing. My therapist seems to be concerned I'm depressed.

I did have to see my pdoc to get a refill on my Ativan and as usual, I just couldn't keep silent and I ended up telling him I was no longer taking the other medications. I told him I'm glad I'm not because it's nice to be able to do simple things like write my name (or write anything for that matter) again now that the Parkinson-like side effects are gone. Since he's of the mindset that I must be medicated, he immediately began making suggestions on what to try next without ever asking if I even wanted to continue medications. Out of fear he wouldn't refill the Ativan without agreeing to take something else, we settled on Parnate, an MAOI that comes with all the wonderful dietary restrictions. 

Of course I haven't been taking it. At first my pdoc failed in his attempt to electronically submit it to my pharmacy. After calling his office, it took several more days for his nurse to call it in. Then there were more delays when the pharmacy didn't have any in stock and the first company they tried to order it from didn't have any, so they had to order it from somewhere else. These are all red flags, warnings that I shouldn't put this stuff in my mouth. But, like the idiot I am, I took one pill. The next day I promptly developed a severe upper respiratory infection that is refusing to go away, even after taking antibiotics. Even if I wanted to keep taking the Parnate, I wouldn't be able to. You can't mix Sudafed with an MAOI and my need to breathe trumps anyone else's perceived notion that I'm currently depressed to the point that I need to be medicated for it.

P.S. The Catcher in the Rye is one of the stupidest books I've ever read in my life. I don't know why everyone thinks it's a classic. It was horrible and I wish I could get back the time I spent reading it. I should have known I wouldn't like it when my daughter and her English teacher both said it was dumb.