Finished
Walked out on yet another therapist, one that didn't have the guts to come right out and say there's nothing she can do for me, but her words made it painfully clear that there is no hope. Told me that everything she's tried, the conventional therapies that everyone else responds to, don't seem to be doing anything for me except making me worse. Told me that I should go back to drinking and cutting, because even though they are negative, I wasn't harming anyone but myself with them. At one point she even said that I have probably been misdiagnosed and the fact that I haven't responded to treatment so far is an indication of that.
When I finally got tired of being told I'm beyond help and walked out, she had the nerve to follow me out to my car and tried to prevent me from leaving. Kept saying she wasn't telling me I'm on my own, that I should come back inside and finish our appointment. Why? So I could listen to her continue to drill into my head that I'm hopeless? So more nails could be pounded into the coffin that's already complete?
Then she said she'd put me down on her schedule for next week. I told her I wouldn't be there, but she insisted that she'd put me down anyway and if I didn't show up that was my choice. I repeated again that I wouldn't be there and slammed the car door once she finally stepped out of the way.
I think it was all for show. Pretend like you care, make like you aren't giving up in order to absolve yourself of any guilt when I kill myself. If that's what helps her sleep better at night, then so be it. I may be crazy, but I heard her loud and clear, she was giving up on me.
I'm done. I'm through with therapy. I'm finished taking these meds that are probably just as deadly as suicide, just not as swift. Nothing matters anymore. Life is impossible to sustain.
4 Comments:
hey sid...
just wanted to say sorry that all this is happening.
I think better no therapy than bad therapy, but that's just me. Your posts lately have been causing me to feel sick because I remember the feeling viscerally. I attempted suicide a couple of times because of the "another therapist fired me, no one knows what is wrong with me, and therefore I am doomed to feeling this way forever" phenomenon. I don't know why mental health professionals are confused as to the devastation this causes, but they are. What other possible reaction can we have when we are left without hope? But there really is hope. If you're misdiagnosed and taking the wrong meds, then you try something else, as many times as it takes. Don't put your fate and outlook into the hands of a therapist or anyone else. Please don't just give up. I don't think you will, because you sound pissed off (which is what you SHOULD BE) instead of completely resigned. Stay pissed off if necessary. I hope you don't hurt yourself to cope, either. I just feel so bad for you. I hope that you find a way to navigate this. And keep blogging!
No therapist should give up on someone who needs them! If conventional therapies work, then try unconventional. Everyone is individual, the same thing isn't going to work for everyone. I would love to be able to work in the psychology field, but the UK have dropped a lot of places making it virtually impossible. I think they don't understand the devastation they cause because they haven't been there themselves, and thus can come across as patronising. I had one counsellor tell me to "get over it" when I saw her for depression. After I attempted suicide I was transfered to another counsellor who understood what it was like battling depression. I don't see a counsellor anymore for depression, but I let people close to me know I'm feeling that way just incase I get the urge to listen to the voice in my head.
Borderline is right - I'd get the diagnosis re-done if you think you've been misdiagnosed. After doing psychopharmacology it's obvious that the wrong drugs can give bad psychological effects and thus cause misdiagnoses (sp?). If the treatment isn't working then maybe it's because they're treating the wrong thing.
Don't resign Sid, fight this because it's your therapist thats in the wrong for giving up. Not you! You took the step to get help, which is the biggest step of all, and you should be proud of yourself for that.
Please don't give up Sid.
Don't leave us Sid.
That therapist should either lose their license or be shot.
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