Where's the optimism?

Last week, when I met with my T, she said it was time to write up a new treatment plan. Horrible timing because I was in a very crappy place mentally at the time. Trying to make plans for the future while struggling to just make it through the day doesn't work. I was basically no help in getting anything written up and she once again was letting her frustration show.

One of the things she kept trying to shove down my throat was that I need to change my behaviours if I'm ever going to see an improvement in my mental state, no fucking shit Sherlock. So she brings up the analogy of the glass being half full vs half empty. I have never understood how this supposedly dictates whether you're an optimist or pessimist. Either way you look at it, they both mean the same thing. You have half a fucking glass of whatever, it's neither full nor empty. Call me weird, but I just see it for what it is.

She basically was telling me that I need to be an optimist and even if I don't believe it, I should "fake it until I make it". Um ok lady. Did you not hear a word of what I told you when I first got there and you asked me what was wrong cuz I was so distant & quiet? One of the first things I told her is that I'm going downhill and that I've been trying to "fake it" in hopes of making it through this but that the faking is only adding to my misery.

I'm finally like whatever and just keep saying yes to everything she's asking me about the treatment plan.

Her: Do you want to try and work on this?
Me: Sure, whatever, I don't care.

Repeated that several times & then signed the paper. I don't even know what she wrote and I'm not sure I want to. Last thing I need right now is to read about more goals that probably won't be met and will add to me feeling hopeless.

Then it was time for my homework. I'm supposed to be trying to look at different situations that arise this week in a more positive light. Have I done it? NO. Instead I've kept track of the situations that have pissed me off or stressed me out and I plan to ask her how the hell am I supposed to view them in a positive manner. A couple of examples...

My Internet connection keeps resetting itself for unknown reasons (thought it was my cordless phone interfering, but turns out that's not what's causing it cuz I disconnect the power from the base and the batteries from the phones & it was still happening). This in turn was screwing up a bunch of files I was trying to download from a special promotion that I paid for and I only had a window of 3 days in order to get them or I'd be out the money.

Tried to make a quick stop at the pharmacy to pick up several prescription refills I'd dropped off a few days earlier. I say quick cuz the kiddie & I were on our way to help decorate some store front windows in preparation for her school's upcoming homecoming parade. Turns out the pharmacy screwed up one them & transmitted the info to my insurance so it appeared to them as if I'd already picked that one up & they were refusing to pay for it, thinking I was trying to get a second refill in two days. So it was showing up that I'd need to pay $385 if I wanted the pills. This was Sunday and since I didn't know if we'd be done with the decorating before the pharmacy closed, I wanted to make sure I got the pills first cuz I was completely out of them. They had to call my insurance to straighten things out and I'm glad I didn't leave cuz the insurance needed my authorization in order to discuss my info with the pharmacy. After waiting for 20 minutes I finally told them to keep my insurance card and get this crap straightened out cuz I needed to be some place else & couldn't wait any longer for them to fix their screw up. We ended up being 15 minutes late to where we needed to be.

The kiddie talked to the ex on Saturday & he told her that his car had broken down. Dread set in immediately cuz I knew I'd be the one he'd be turning to for help. I've been able to distance myself from him for quite awhile now (except yelling at him a few weeks ago for making his daughter feel like she isn't important to him) and I didn't need the stress of knowing he was going to try his old bullshit again. He did try to call me that night, but the kiddie & I were out at a local concert and I didn't hear the phone ring. So he texts me instead & I can tell by his texts that he wants to play the sympathy card and ask for money, but because I said I was out somewhere he didn't go into it. He did call Sunday night though and went into "woe is me" mode. Talking about how upset he is that he can't afford to give me child support but he can't support himself. That he'll probably lose his job and the room he's renting cuz his car died. That he's probably going to be denied insurance coverage cuz the insurance company wanted him to go for a chest xray cuz he has asthma & smokes & they found several spots in his lungs. Etc. Etc. Said anything he could to get me to feel sorry for him.

I'd like my T to tell me where the optimism is in any of these. They were all crappy, irritating situations that I had very little or no control over. How would being happy go lucky about any of them made a difference when I didn't bring any of them on myself to begin with?

Once again, I'm sure I'm missing the point in what she really wants me to do. I told her I would try little things to alter my behaviour, but that I'm tired of faking it.