So out of it

Saw my pdoc yesterday morning, but I was so out of it from not having slept the night before I don't remember much of what happened. I know he asked if I wanted to do anything different with my meds and I said no. He also inquired about how often I've been taking the Eldepryl which left me completely dumbfounded. I vaguely remember being on a higher dosage than the two pills a day I put into my weekly pill holder, but I don't remember why I stopped taking it as originally prescribed. At this point my memory is so shot that I can't even remember to take the two pills each day, mostly because I need to take them with food but I rarely eat.

He told me I could take both pills at once, and I actually did that today, but given how sick I felt afterwards, I think it's been quite awhile since I took any and my body just wasn't able to handle it. I didn't tell him it'd been awhile since I took them because I honestly couldn't think of the last time I had. That was it. I think we talked for maybe 5 minutes and I left. I can't even remember if he was done with me. He did a lot of typing again, taking notes that make me paranoid. I want to know what he's saying about me and I know I have the right to know, but I never think to ask. I just want to get in and out. The less I say, the less likely I am to say the wrong thing.

I didn't mention that I haven't been taking the Valium either. I've gotten into hoarding mode with those pills. The Seroquel is still hit or miss too. I find myself still awake and on the computer at 4 am, which at that point makes it too late to take any or I'd be asleep until 5 pm. I suppose I'm in a slightly manic mode, though I assume that for those without a mental illness, this would be considered a normal functioning mode. Things are getting done. Maybe not the things that should be, but the house was cleaned and the laundry finished. Plus all the running around we've been doing.

My thoughts are wildly out of control and I'm assuming that's from the lack of Seroquel. The music keeps playing over and over in my head non-stop. It kept me from sleeping again last night. Then there are the voices in there. All that noise. I'm not sure I missed it, but I've done nothing to make it all better either. Maybe it's the Seroquel that gets all that going in my head. I can't remember which came first, the noise or the med. I wish I could remember back to 2002/2003. There are things I need to figure out, to understand from that time period. It all ties together like a puzzle. The pieces are there and I'm usually great with puzzles, but this is one I can't figure out.

Having a bad memory sucks. Dozens of post-its. Some of the notes I leave myself have become cryptic and I don't remember what I was supposed to do. So far no one has yelled at me for missing something or fucking something up so maybe those notes weren't important. It's my handwriting so I know I wrote them, but I don't know why.

There's a constant itchy feeling in my skin, eminating from the scars of self inflicted wounds. I try to use this lotion I got in Cleveland, bottles of it I took from the hotel. It seems to work the best, but never quite makes the itching stop completely. Why are they so itchy lately? It's weird because they never used to be like that. It's just been an affliction of the last year or so. The scar from my implant is another itchy one too. But the scars from my gall bladder surgery and the cyst I had removed many years ago never itch. That doesn't make sense. Psychosomatic maybe? If it's mental health related it itches, if not, it's fine. Weird huh?

Time for sleep now. I did take the Seroquel because I need sleep tonight and it's kicking in. Tomorrow is Warped Tour. With all the drama we've gone through with these damn tickets and figuring out who's all going with so I don't have to try and sell the extra ones before the show, I better have a fucking blast.