Monday, August 27, 2007

Rage & the rest

The emotion I've been experiencing the most lately is rage, followed closely by anxiety and depression. Trying to distract isn't helping nor has the fact that my daughter has returned to school made things any easier as I'd hoped. I still feel completely overwhelmed by life, to the point that yes, I have had the thoughts again that all this misery just isn't worth staying alive for. Not to worry though, there are no active plans of harming myself running through this demented brain of mine. All I really want to do at this point is runaway and be someone else, something I know isn't realistic.

I have restrained my rage as best I can, often being brought to tears over my inability to handle this emotion, but I have gone off on both my ex and my father in the last week. To prevent myself from going off on my daughter the other day for behaving in the exact same manner her father has been lately, something she herself hates and complains about, I left the house and went out drinking. First time I've had a drink in awhile and I didn't have just one, I had 5 very large glasses of Guinness. Think the rage makes my body process the alcohol rapidly so it doesn't build up in my system. Five drinks should have at least got me buzzed, but I felt nothing other than an uncontrollable urge to pee every ten minutes.

I'd hoped to discuss all the rage, the arguments, the drinking and other emotions with my T today, but with only an hour to talk, there never seems enough time to bring up everything I want to. I find that completely frustrating particularly since it's not very often that I actually have the desire to freely open up to her. By next week most of what I wanted to say will be irrelevant and not worth mentioning or I will have forgotten all about it. This of course gets twisted by the rage into "what the hell good is once a week therapy and since I can only go once a week, why bother going at all".

I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. They say the dead walk among us. It's worth noting that some of them aren't actually dead. They just feel dead inside.


Anonymous Borderline Crazy said...

Major bummer: I know that feeling about feeling dead inside (well, ALMOST dead, and I wish I were dead all the way because then I wouldn't feel like crap!). I'm sorry things are so rough. I also hope your willingness to open up in therapy sticks around and that it pays off. Things sound very frustrating. :(

5:13 AM, August 28, 2007  
Blogger anna said...

I feel frustrated with once a week therapy too. I know that I always forget something that's bothering me. My emotions are more like shame and guilt.

10:30 AM, August 28, 2007  
Blogger Joel said...

...still listening to you and still holding your's tough for you right now....

2:28 AM, August 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm sorry to say that I can totally empathise with these feelings ... you said several things I have been thinking about also.

Keep yourself out of trouble, ok?
Ron aka ferny

8:13 PM, August 29, 2007  
Blogger Ms Peculiar said...

I can relate to those feeling although I don't know how they affect you, it is a bad place to be.
I hope that fog lifts very soon and that you can see the sun.

11:52 PM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger sansanity said...

are there any free "survivor" run support groups in the area that you could also attend as extra therapy?

you could do PHP with me! We do group all morning and if we are good we can play a game in the afternoon. i hear the crafts will start soon...

10:37 PM, September 01, 2007  
Blogger Dr. Deb said...

I wish so much for you to not feel the depths of the things you do. Sending you my thoughts :)

8:07 PM, September 03, 2007  
Blogger Maggs said...

i'm proud you're giving therapy another shot. due to the 40 dollar copay, i'm only going twice a month. and, well, being off meds, this is really tough. too much happens in a two weeks period.

10:46 PM, September 03, 2007  

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