Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Incapacitated

At one time I was the queen of multi-tasking. Juggling a life so full that I would literally collapse into bed at the end of the day and I'd be asleep within five minutes of hitting the pillow. It should have all been too stressful back then. I did have my moments where I'd crack and lose touch with reality, but enough time lapsed between them that I was never able to connect the dots and realize something was truly amiss. Didn't have time to dwell on the negatives, I was too busy going, doing. Just generally moving in some direction, usually multiple directions at once.

As much as I felt stretched to my limit, I long for those days to return. I was at least able to accomplished everything I needed to. I wasn't incapacitated by inaction the way I am now. I feel so burnt out at this moment that every inch of my being aches to shut down. I barely have the strength to lift my head off the pillow. I do force myself to do things, in hopes that it will make me feel better to get up, but so far getting out of bed has done little to make me feel better. The whole "fake it til you make it" is just bullshit and more detrimental than resigning yourself to the negative thoughts.

The only decent day I've had in the last month was this past Saturday and that is only because I got to see my favorite band of all time in concert, Linkin Park. If I couldn't have enjoyed that though, it would have been proof that I needed to be committed to an institution forever, so I must have at least a tiny bit of sanity hidden away somewhere.

I exhausted the last bit of energy I had that day though. On one level that's a damn good thing because I think if I had the physical strength right now I'd use it to make an attempt on my life. I'm just too tired to even care to try. Too many commitments made that I can't back out of. Now is not a good time for a breakdown.

How twisted is that? I can't die right now because I'm too tired, because my calendar is full? Shouldn't it be I can't die because I have a child I love and that loves me? The thought processes of a diseased mind are truly fucked up.

A crash is looming on the horizon. There's no way to swerve out of the way. I just hope that once again I'm the only one that gets hurt.

5 Comments:

Blogger MB said...

Crashing is never a good thing. I can feel a "run-down" crash coming on, work is pushing me to my limits (working 11 hr shifts everyday with a cold is not easy); but I can't imagine what ur going through hunni. Stay strong!

(((((hugs))))) Stay strong and take care!

3:51 PM, September 05, 2007  
Blogger Anna said...

Glad to hear from you. I was worried. It sounds lame, but hang in there. This too shall pass.

((When I was suicidal, only thing that kept me from eating a bottle of pills was my dog))

Love is coming north your way my friend.

5:49 PM, September 05, 2007  
Blogger Marie said...

I don't do multi tasking. It is so overated. That is a easy way to burnout!!!

2:41 PM, September 06, 2007  
Blogger Darth Goalie of bloggo chicago said...

Marie is right to an extent, though I really miss being hypomanic. I totally feel ya. I'm glad that you got to see Linkin Park, and I'm just trying to make it to hockey.

We'll do coffee again -- when we're both up for it. :)

5:44 PM, September 06, 2007  
Blogger sansanity said...

if i am ever allowed to leave partial and return to the land of the employed i am changing my resume to say single tasking only, double tasking or triple tasking requires double or triple pay and will require me to stop taking my meds.
----
so jealous about linking park i'm not sure i can write words of encouragement right now :)

7:00 PM, September 08, 2007  

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