Incapacitated

At one time I was the queen of multi-tasking. Juggling a life so full that I would literally collapse into bed at the end of the day and I'd be asleep within five minutes of hitting the pillow. It should have all been too stressful back then. I did have my moments where I'd crack and lose touch with reality, but enough time lapsed between them that I was never able to connect the dots and realize something was truly amiss. Didn't have time to dwell on the negatives, I was too busy going, doing. Just generally moving in some direction, usually multiple directions at once.

As much as I felt stretched to my limit, I long for those days to return. I was at least able to accomplished everything I needed to. I wasn't incapacitated by inaction the way I am now. I feel so burnt out at this moment that every inch of my being aches to shut down. I barely have the strength to lift my head off the pillow. I do force myself to do things, in hopes that it will make me feel better to get up, but so far getting out of bed has done little to make me feel better. The whole "fake it til you make it" is just bullshit and more detrimental than resigning yourself to the negative thoughts.

The only decent day I've had in the last month was this past Saturday and that is only because I got to see my favorite band of all time in concert, Linkin Park. If I couldn't have enjoyed that though, it would have been proof that I needed to be committed to an institution forever, so I must have at least a tiny bit of sanity hidden away somewhere.

I exhausted the last bit of energy I had that day though. On one level that's a damn good thing because I think if I had the physical strength right now I'd use it to make an attempt on my life. I'm just too tired to even care to try. Too many commitments made that I can't back out of. Now is not a good time for a breakdown.

How twisted is that? I can't die right now because I'm too tired, because my calendar is full? Shouldn't it be I can't die because I have a child I love and that loves me? The thought processes of a diseased mind are truly fucked up.

A crash is looming on the horizon. There's no way to swerve out of the way. I just hope that once again I'm the only one that gets hurt.