Monday, September 24, 2007

Halfway through

I've made it through the first month of my yearly breakdown season, but there's still one left to get through. Every year since 2003 I have been hospitalized at some point in September, October or both. Admittedly, I am struggling again. I'm not sure what exactly triggers the downward spiral. To me it feels like I fight so hard the rest of the year to maintain appearances that everything is okay, that by the time I reach this point there is no fight left. The veil of deception lifts and I no longer have anywhere to hide.

Masquerading around, pretending to be "sane" is emotionally and physically draining. I don't think most people comprehend that. It creates an inner torture that probably does as much damage as the insanity ravaging my brain. The catch-22 in all this is that the insanity is what forces me to hide behind a false facade in the first place.

In thinking of my current struggles and wondering if survival is possible, the song "When My Time Comes" by Linkin Park came to mind. I think I'd want to leave the words of the chorus with my daughter...

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

...but if I were to take my own life, I would have no right to ask her not to resent me.


Blogger Joel said...

My breakdown season is officially over, but there's someone doing his level best to stretch it out.

8:21 PM, September 24, 2007  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

You can make it through this season without being hospitalised. I know it's tough, but you can do it.

8:55 PM, September 24, 2007  
Blogger MB said...

You're strong Sid! You can get through this!

8:29 AM, September 25, 2007  
Blogger James said...

Do you think that it has anything to do with the change of seasons? This is my difficult time of year as well and I know that the change of seasons drives me into a deep depression.

So, I'm seeing my pdoc tomorrow to bump up the A.D. to get ahead of the breakdown season.

5:10 PM, September 25, 2007  

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