Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Worried & stressing

The old people are leaving for a wedding on the East coast tomorrow and as much as I welcome the reprieve from them, the anxiety and stress of having to "fend for myself" is taking hold. I'm trying hard not to become immobilized by the fears and thoughts that are starting to flood my brain. The "what if's" are particularly hard to shake and often change from an "if" to an inescapable destiny. These things are going to happen, there's nothing I can do to stop them and I should just resign myself to the horror that awaits.

"What if I take the Seroquel and the house starts on fire?" suddenly becomes "Our house is going to catch on fire and because I've taken Seroquel I'll be out cold and I won't be able to save myself or my daughter. We're going to die this week."

"What if I take the Seroquel and someone breaks in the house?" becomes "Someone is going to break into the house while I'm in my nightly drug induced coma and rape, then slaughter us. I pray they only slaughter us. We're going to die this week"

"What if I'm out of it, which I frequently am lately, and lock myself out of the house or the car?" gets turned into "I'm going to get locked out at the most inopportune time, when I desperately need to be somewhere or need something from inside either one."

"What if we get severe storms and the power goes out, knocking out the sump pump's ability to keep water out of the house?" twists into "We're going to have the worst storms of the year and the basement is going to flood, destroying everything I own."

And the list goes on. I made the mistake of voicing my concern about someone breaking in to my father. He responded in a logical manner in hopes of quelling my fear by engaging the safety levers on all the windows which prevent them from being opened far enough for someone to crawl through. But he doesn't realize he's dealing with an overly analytical mind (or maybe it's just a completely illogical one, who knows). Once one scenario is thwarted, another one simply takes its place, which is exactly what happened. Sure the windows can't be opened far enough, but the back door isn't secure enough to keep someone out and safety levers are useless if the glass is simply smashed.

I did have some of these same concerns in my last home, but they weren't as bad because we were in a second floor apartment. The only way you were getting in the windows was with a ladder and our place certainly couldn't flood at that height. I still worried about a break in though because you could climb onto our balcony from the front porch or just kick in the front door. Plus the fire hazard was still there, even more so because I couldn't control the actions of the other tenants. I couldn't check to make sure they properly disposed of cigarettes or turned the stove off.

Other stresses I am dealing with include knowing that I have to be responsible for grocery shopping and meals. Of knowing that no matter what, I have to find the strength to keep it together mentally because there is no one here to take care of my daughter if I crack. Luckily there isn't the stress of feeling abandoned by them because they did that a long time ago.

Damn, re-reading some of these statements, you'd think I was just a teen.


Anonymous anonymous mom said...

i believe in you sid, i believe you will be alright.

7:23 AM, September 19, 2007  
Blogger Anna said...

I used to obsess over my mom being alone at her house, eating a meal and choking because I wasn't there to help her.

I know how it sux.


1:07 PM, September 20, 2007  
Blogger James said...

Once one scenario is thwarted, another one simply takes its place

THAT is EXACTLY how my brain works as well. My mind always thinks about the worse case scenario and then blows it up to reality. Goddamn paranoia. It's one of the worst aspects of my condition. I can't trust ANYTHING sometimes.

I hope you can find a way to relax and think rationally. It's hard though I know.

5:26 PM, September 20, 2007  
Blogger sansanity said...

Ok that has been one of my biggest arguements with the Ts at the partial program. I kept telling them this way when the bottom fell out I would be prepared to "think quick and not panic," plus it makes an ok outcome seem like a nice surprise and a good outcome reason for celebration! odd how we each have a different reaction. i atleast feel better knowing life won't be able to surprise me. maybe it's because no one else will be affected by all hell breaking loose for me.

9:26 PM, September 20, 2007  

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