Sunday, August 11, 2013

No one to play with

I'm still trying to make my new place feel comfy, like it's mine and I should be here, but I'm failing miserably. I've now been here for just over a month and I know these things take time, but I feel like an outsider, like I just don't belong. It doesn't help when people ask which resident I'm visiting, as if I couldn't possibly live here myself, or when I see other residents who've known each other for awhile hanging around having fun together. It's like being that little girl in the school yard again, standing off to the side with no one to play with.

It also doesn't help that even my therapist doesn't seem to think I'm as sick as I truly am, even as my depression worsens. She tells me I pathologize myself too much. To me it seems as if she believes, like so many others do, that you can look at someone and tell how mentally ill they are because they don't shower or they're talking to themselves, etc. I'm sorry I'm obsessed with showering before I go out in public. I've been like that since I was a teenager. Just because I'm clean on the outside doesn't mean things aren't horribly rotten on the inside. For example, just yesterday morning I was hallucinating that my ceiling was breathing. I kept telling myself it wasn't real, I'm still telling myself it wasn't real, but I also keep checking the ceiling to see what's going to happen next. That's not the sign of someone who's mentally healthy.

I just don't know how to make anyone understand just how fucked up things are inside my head. They certainly can't step inside and take a look around, so how do I convey the seriousness of what's going on to them? How do I get them to believe what I'm saying?


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