Saturday, March 09, 2013

Not where I was

I hadn't planned to write for a few days and then disappear again for a week and a half, but things have actually been kind of busy around here. Haven't yet decided if that's a good or bad thing. I suppose I'll find out if or when I crash. Keeping busy has left me totally confused as to what day of the week it is, so has having my daughter home this past week because she is on Spring Break.

To date, March has looked like this:

1st - Went to see a play at my daughter's college. She only had to work the information desk until the play started and instead of joining me, because she had already seen the play, she ditched me and went home. I totally didn't appreciate that. Lately it seems like the only time she's willing to spend time with me or even talk to me is when she needs something (clothes, medical bills paid, food, etc). Half the time she doesn't even acknowledge when I send her a text. I still haven't seen the pictures we took at Disney 2 months ago! Supposedly she uploaded them to google+ and was going to send me the login information, but hasn't even though I regularly ask her for it. Even with her being on Spring Break, I have barely seen her. She spends all her time at her boyfriend's house even though she lives with him and sees him every day of the week while they're at school.

2nd - Went to my sister's house and set up her Facebook page for the home business she's starting. Took some photos of the products she'll be selling. We then attended the musical being held at the high school her oldest daughter goes to.

3rd - Updated my checkbook since I haven't been recording receipts into it for a couple of weeks. Did laundry. Worked on my sister's Facebook page some more. Worked on our NAMI Facebook page. Fixed my printer. 

4th - Saw my therapist, which was not fun. We went over the homework she had given me last week and discussed the answers I gave for disgust and glad. I initially was afraid to even show her the papers. I asked her what she was going to do with them. She assured me they were mine and that I could take them with me, though she would like a copy to put in my chart if I would let her. I said absolutely not and she said that's fine, she would respect that. I just feel like any information I give her or anyone else in a position to have me locked up would get twisted and used against me and I explained that to her. After my session with her, I did my weekly grocery shopping since I was already out of the house.

5th - Only day I was able to sit around and do nothing. I did read 'A Child Called It' and started reading 'Silver Linings Playbook'. I'm disappointed that I saw the movie before reading the book for Silver Linings because the book, as usual, is much better and quite different than the movie. Don't get me wrong, I really liked the movie and would definitely see it again. But I have to highly recommend reading the book to anyone that hasn't seen the movie yet.

6th - Went to lunch with my daughter, ran around shopping at a couple of stores and then went to my sister's house to help work on her business. Didn't leave there til midnight even though my sister had to work the next morning and her kids had school.

7th- Got my bank statement so I balanced my checkbook. Paid my bills. My car insurance is being jacked up 15% for no reason, and I say no reason because I have the no accident discount on the renewal notice, I haven't had a ticket that went on my record since I was 23 and I printed out my credit reports to make sure all the negative crap that was on there from my ex-hubby was gone and my credit is pristine again. So I'll call them and find out why they want to raise it so much, especially since my car is 10 years old. If I can't get them to drop it back down, I'll just get quotes from other companies.

8th - I had stayed in my pajamas until 4 pm, but then my sister called and asked if I'd come over and help work on her business because today she had her first chance to sell her merchandise. I stayed there until 1 am.

I know that doesn't seem busy by other people's standards. Heck, if I had read this myself back in the mid 90's when I was working 3 jobs, as well as being a wife, mother, chauffeur, chef, housekeeper, etc. I would have said, "that's not busy, you haven't got a damn clue what busy is".

Even though I know I'm doing much more than I was say in 2004 when I was basically catatonic or in previous years where I was hospitalized multiple times (made it through 2012 without being inpatient), I still feel like a failure because I'm not where I was in the 90's. I'm not as productive as I have been, as I think I should still be able to be.

1 Comments:

Blogger Sheri Weinberg said...

I don't see any of this as being a failure. It sounds to me like you've accomplished a lot. I don't think any of us with mental illness should expect to go back to our highest functioning time. That being said, I often look back on when I was an Office Manager and working mother, and feel frustrated that I'm no longer that person. Sounds like I should practice what I preach, eh?

8:19 AM, March 10, 2013  

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