Tuesday, December 03, 2013

I don't have a clue

How do you learn how to make love, learn to be completely comfortable in that moment, let go and just fully enjoy it, when all of your earliest lessons in sex were taught via molestation? This is the random thought I had a few minutes ago while I was outside smoking a cigarette. I realized that I don't have a clue. Actually I've known I haven't had a clue since the first time I had sex with someone I was in a relationship with. Sex for me has always been void of any emotion. Thinking back, this was true with my ex-hubby, even when I was still madly in love with him. It has always been just something you do, especially when you're in a relationship. I tend to see it as my duty. A chore. Like doing the dishes or taking a shower.

Not sure why this even came to mind. It literally just popped into my mind and now I can't stop thinking about it. I've had lots of sex, with lots of different guys, most of whom I didn't even bother to find out their names. They hit on me and I acquiesced to their desire to have sex with me. No emotion. Plenty of second thoughts after the fact, but I rarely ever said no to anyone.

I suppose I'm thinking about this because I'm still falling in love even though that love isn't being reciprocated. It's a confusing relationship, especially when he makes comments or does things that can easily be misconstrued as him having feelings for me. Especially when he calls me "hon", which he does kind of frequently or when he leans in closer to me, like he wants to kiss me, but then doesn't. I never know how to take these remarks and actions, so I try not to read too much into them. Though, if things should ever develop into a relationship, I want to be able to make love to him, not just have emotionless sex. He deserves it, and so do I.


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