Suddenly he's gone

How does one feel so alone in a world full of billions of people? I'm not sure, but that is exactly how I'm feeling right now. Alone. Like no one knows I even exist. It's an empty, horrible feeling and all I want to do is cry. Maybe it's the depression. Maybe it's because I'm grieving.

I found out today that a friend of mine passed away. I just saw him a few days ago after having not seen him in awhile. We talked, we laughed, and now, suddenly, he's gone. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I've never lost a friend before. I've had people in my life pass away. Grandparents, aunts, uncles....mostly elderly people, many of which were ill, so their deaths weren't a surprise. This? This is a shock. Hearing the words "he's dead" hit me like a punch to the stomach. It knocked the wind out of me, and the pain & nausea were instantaneous.

Worst of all, I had no one to reach out to and share the pain of my loss. I called a few people that also knew him, but they seem to be taking the news better than I am. Maybe they grieve differently. Maybe they didn't know him as well as I did. Their reactions left me feeling even more empty. I guess I was hoping I'd find someone on the other end of the phone that would share my tears, but I found no one to connect with on that level.

I wanted to call his mom and talk to her, but I wasn't sure that was a good idea. He was her everything and I know she is absolutely devastated. I will try and call her tomorrow. Offer whatever support I can. I know she is in poor health, and the sudden passing of her only son has me worried that she's going to give up trying to get better and hers will be the next death I'm informed of.