Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Catastrophic mistake

Still alive, if anyone even cares anymore. Only one person in my life right now, my best friend, even gives a shit to keep in contact with me. Many people are upset that I moved across the country earlier this year. I'm upset with myself for doing it and every day is tinged with regret. I should not be in charge of my own life. All I ever do is fuck shit up, royally. And here I was thinking it'd be fun. Expand my horizons. Fuck!

I'm trapped in a state far away from my family and the one friend that genuinely cares about me. I want to move back to Chicago, but I'm so broke and the financial hole I'm in right now just seems to get deeper by the day. I don't even know what to do. I do have one family member here, but he doesn't have the means to help me get back to Chicago, and I have serious doubts that my car would make it that far. Had to take out a loan to get here, and get all my stuff here, so borrowing more is not an option. If I thought my car would make it and the things that are most important to me would all fit in it, I'd pack up and leave tomorrow. Fuck my roommate. Him, and my own stupidity and inability to say no, are what got me where I am right now. Luckily I'm not depressed to the point that thoughts of suicide are starting to flood back in...for now. If things remain as bad as they are, or if they get worse, I have no doubt they will return. I can feel them there, lurking.

This whole situation, from the financial disaster to the fucked up roommate situation is just so unbelievable that I can't even bring myself to type out the details. Knowing I did this to myself is the hardest pill to swallow. I don't know why I can't make wise choices in life. Everything I do ends up being one catastrophic mistake after another. How can someone be so fucked up, AND KNOW IT, and still screw their life up? I wish I knew, because that's me.


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