Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Saw my pdoc

Saw my pdoc yesterday. He actually tried to make conversation with me instead of everything being all clinical. Didn't help ease my anxiety at all. I know that he has the power to have me locked up against my will and I get fearful around people that have that level of authority over me. I panic whenever I hear sirens, thinking they're coming for me again, because I never know if I've said something to someone that they have interpreted as my being suicidal.

I did ask my doc for proof that I have a chemical imbalance. He said no one has that proof. He said based on my past history, he has no doubt that I do have one. In my eyes though, after nearly a year of taking different medications, it's really hard to believe.

He offered up three suggestions for where to go from here. First was ECT again, to which I flat out refused. Second was to take me off Paxil and Remeron for 2 weeks and then add an MAOI. He explained the risk of stroke or heart attack if I eat certain foods or alcoholic beverages while on an MAOI, so I refused that as well. Not so much because I'm not willing to give up those foods, but more because of my self injurious behavior. I'd purposely eat or drink something I wasn't supposed to in hopes of hurting myself.

So I took option three, though I have my doubts it will work. He prescribed Ritalin twice a day. Now I am familiar with Ritalin, you always hear about all the school aged kids being doped up on it, though I believe in 90% of the cases it isn't warranted. But never have I heard of it being prescribed for depression. He said it was basically speed, an upper; and said one of three things could happen. It could lift my mood, it could have no effect at all or I could become all jittery and anxious, similar to drinking entirely too much coffee. Oh joy, can't wait to see what effect it has on me.

I did tell him before I left that I was ready to give up. I didn't expound on that statement so I don't know if he understands that applies to everything, not just trying all these medications. He didn't ask, so I didn't tell.

At times I feel like I have multiple personalities and each is struggling for control of my body and mind. There's the severely depressed one that wants to kill me. There's the rage filled one that wants retribution, wants to hurt those that hurt me. It's the most quiet voice, but I know it's in there. There's the motherly one that wants to watch my daughter grow up and live her dreams, dreams I never had. Then there's me. Hopelessly lost and empty. Lacking in identity and direction. One giant void ready to be filled by which ever personality gains control first.

It's so hard to constantly deal with the struggle inside. I want to embrace my depression and let it consume me because I know what the end result will be. Yet the motherly part of me keeps fighting. The motherly part has got me worried about what happens next month when my daughter returns to her father. Out of sight, out of mind....one of the drawbacks of being borderline. Without my daughter being here all the time, that motherly voice will get quiet. I wonder if I will last til February.


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