Wednesday, July 21, 2004

The rage is back

The rage returned today. I sure haven't missed feeling it. Not even sure what caused it to surface. Can't think of anything negative that happened that would cause me to be so angry. It started hours before DBT group, and I could feel it lurking under the surface, growing stronger and stronger. The group is what pushed me over the edge and made me act out my rage.

I'm not much of a people person, never have been. I don't like talking in groups even if it's people I know. Heck, it's hard for me to talk one on one with my therapist. But I'm trying to give DBT a chance. Unfortunately, the group is small...think there are only 5 of us plus the two therapists. Well today, when group was supposed to start, I was the only one that was there.

The therapist came out and told me they were going to cancel the group because they can't do it with only one person. That completely set me off. Here I am trying to do things differently than I have in the past, trying something that is very difficult for me and my treatment hinges on whether or not all these other fucks show up or not. Now I know things happen like people have to work late, they have car problems, they have family obligations, shit like that. But I don't think any of these other people have showed up with any regularity or they often come late...and I've only been to 5 or 6 groups.

I guess I compare myself to the rest of the world and think they should think the way I do. When I make a commitment to be somewhere at a certain place and time, I make damn sure I'm there. I don't show up late and I have rarely, if ever, cancelled on someone....especially if other people are involved in that commitment. To do otherwise seems to me to be just plain rude and completely inconsiderate.

So I let some of my rage out on the therapist. Didn't mean to, but she was the only one around at the time and this isn't the first time this has happened. I let out a torrent of profanities and told her what I thought of the whole situation. I also didn't appreciate driving as far as I do, just to turn around and go home again. I restrained myself from doing anything physical, though I so wanted to punch my fists through the nearest window and slam my arms down onto the broken glass.

It's strange how when I rage, even if it's something outside of myself that has triggered it, I always want to take the rage out on myself. I still haven't calmed down much so I may still take it out on my body sometime tonight. Think there was only one time where I raged and actually took it out on someone else. Good thing my exhusband was stronger than me or I probably would have done some real damage. Probably would have ended up in jail for killing him.

Anyway, I did ask the therapist if there was another DBT group, one where the people actually show up. There is one during the day at a different location that is tied to a hospital day program. I'm going to seriously consider switching, but the thought of starting over with a new group of people and new therapists is scary.

We did end up having group tonight. After I spewed my anger, and 20 minutes late, two other people finally showed up. The therapists did discuss in group the issue of people not showing up or being late, but they did it far more calmly than I would have. I sat & stewed all through group. Gave the other women evil stares.

Tomorrow I have my individual therapy. This should be interesting, especially if this rage doesn't subside by then. She said this week she was going to challenge every excuse I had for killing myself and then try to reverse the roles. She would give me reasons and I would have to challenge them. If I'm raging, I sure as hell am not going to want to do that. I have a hard enough time refraining from telling her to fuck off & walking out when she challenges me and I'm not raging. I probably will walk out if I am.


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