Alone and hurting

I'm alone today. Everyone went off to do something else and it will be hours before one of them returns. I'm struggling to find ways to keep my mind occupied, to keep from getting absorbed into the silence surrounding me. Afraid that if I let the quiet consume me, I'll vanish into thin air, never to be seen again.

The only sound I do hear is the music in my head. Playing as loudly as always. It never stops, not even when I sleep. Most times it doesn't bother me because I love music. But every now and then, I wish someone would pull the plug on the jukebox. Perhaps not today, as it's the only thing keeping me company, but sometime.

I've been hurting a lot this past week. Not just emotionally, but also physically. Primarily head and joint aches. The Abilify commercial keeps coming to mind, "depression hurts", but I don't see any correlation between the aches and the sadness I'm suffering. The pain in my head and joints is significantly more pronounced when I first wake up. Almost as if I didn't really sleep at all during the night, but yet my body was frozen in one obscure, uncomfortable position the whole time.

As for the depression...it has been coming in waves rather than being a constant presence. I almost prefer when it is all-consuming because at least I know it's there and it's staying. Not knowing when the next wave is going to come crashing in and knock me off my feet is difficult to deal with. The unknown is always scarier than the familiar, at least for me, and especially when it pertains to my mental illnesses.