Can't Drive For Shit Day

Today is apparently National Can't Drive For Shit Day and I sure as heck wish someone had warned me before I headed out to see my therapist and then ran the numerous errands I'd been putting off all week.

On average, I usually scream and/or honk at about three drivers for not following some of the most basic rules of the road each time I get behind the wheel of my car. No, I do not suffer from Intermittent Explosive Disorder (which I honestly think is a crap diagnosis), I just suffer from a lack of tolerance for stupid people that should not be tooling down the road in a 2 ton vehicle when they haven't the slightest clue how to actually fucking drive.

What I saw out on the roadways today puts all other days of the year to shame. Here are some of the highlights....

• There was the woman in front of me on the ramp to the expressway that decided to slow down instead of speed up to merge into the traffic that was, knowing this area, probably going at least 65 mph. As I honked at the bitch to speed the fuck up so we both didn't get killed, she suddenly starts braking even more and eventually just pulled onto the shoulder to get out of my way. I had only seconds to slam on the gas to accelerate as fast as possible so I didn't get hit by the car coming up quickly behind me on the ramp or any of the cars that I was about to merge in front of on the highway.

• There were the two guys in the lanes on either side of me on the highway that decided at the last possible second that they each wanted to be in the other's lane as the road forked and went into two different directions. Not only did I have to slam on my brakes to avoid being hit by the first guy as he suddenly jump across two lanes of traffic just mere inches in front of my car, but I was also forced to swerve onto the shoulder as the two of them nearly slammed into each other.

• There was the guy driving down the highway in the left hand lane at 40 mph. He was too engrossed in his cellphone conversation to pay attention to all the other drivers honking and passing him on the right cuz he was backing up traffic. I wasn't the only person to scream and honk at this motherfucker.

• There was the imbecile that was doing 30 mph in a 45 mph zone and since it was a no passing zone, I couldn't get around him. As we came up on an intersection and the road becomes two lanes plus a left and a right turn lane, he puts his turn signal on and starts getting over to the right. Just as I'm passing him, he suddenly decides he's going the wrong way and swerves to get over across three lanes to get into the left turn lane instead, nearly ramming into the side of my car.

• There was the stupid woman in front of me that came to a complete stop at the entrance to the grocery store parking lot who would not turn in because there were other cars trying to exit. Like most parking lots, there was plenty of room to accommodate vehicles that are entering and exiting at the same time so there was no reason other than her own stupidity and inability to drive properly that prevented her from turning in. I had to sit there for 5 minutes as all the other traffic exited the parking lot before the bitch would finally turn in.

On and on it went like this, and I was only on the road for about two hours tops. I regularly see this sort of dangerous, crappy driving, but not so much of it in a single day. I certainly hope it isn't National Can't Drive For Shit Week, cuz tomorrow we're driving up to Wisconsin to see Linkin Park and we'll be on the road for about 2 hours each way. I might bring some extra Valium with though...just in case.