Saturday, July 19, 2008

More nightmares

When I'm actually able to sleep lately, I have been having such vivid dreams and more nightmares, that I wake feeling completely unrested and suffering from near migraine level headaches. Since I can't seem to link the headaches to anything else, I attribute them to the excessive brain activity I'm experience during the night. Or maybe it's a tumor...who knows.

Last night, I dreamt I was being raped again. Thankfully it was not a repeat of the nightmare I posted about a month or so ago. There was less detail in the actual rape itself and more in what transpired afterwards. This time I managed to kill the man that did it. I stalked him, just as he had stalked me, waiting for the opportunity to exact my revenge. It was so surreal.

I could feel the weight of the gun in my hand, it felt far heavier than it should. I felt the crisscross pattern of the grip pressing into my finger tips as I clenched the handle as tightly as I could. The gunshot that rang out as I pulled the trigger was so deafening, I instinctively dropped the gun in order to cover my ears. As I did, I saw the bullet pierce his forehead followed by a shower of blood and brain on the wall behind him. He fell to the floor, his dead eyes still wide open, watching me. As I stared back into his lifeless eyes, I could feel the vindication rising up inside me, wrapping my soul with a proud warmth that I had won. That he could never hurt me or anyone else ever again.

Despite being in the midst of another nightmare, I fought the urge to wake up. The warmth of revenge, even if imaged only in my mind, was so comforting. The only reason I did wake was because I could swear I heard sirens coming for me outside my bedroom window. In a half dream/half wake state, I thought for a moment everything had been real, that I actually had killed someone. But when I found myself in bed, in my pajamas, I knew it was only a dream.

All I can think right now is....I'm so glad I'm not a sleepwalker.