Sunday, July 13, 2008

Impending meltdown

My memory has gotten so bad that I was quite surprised to log on and see that I updated my blog last week. I vaguely remember leaving the post that I was still alive, though I'm surprised to see it was done Wednesday since I was busy and gone most of that day. I certainly don't remember updating the archives list with July 2008 or updating what I'm currently reading. Heck, I haven't even pulled One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest off the bookshelf yet.

Here's what I do remember from the past week....

- I went to concerts on Monday & Wednesday (I'd actually forgotten about Monday already, but the calendar is right in front of me, so that jogged my memory).

- Thursday I saw my pdoc. I was angry, depressed, tired and frustrated so I tried to get in & out as fast as possible. He wanted to put me on one of several meds they use for Parkinson's, two of which I remember were Mirapex and Requip, but I promptly declined. I'm sick of trying off-label uses of meds, feeling like a damn guinea pig in some twisted lab experiment, only to find the drugs make me worse than I was. Since we aren't "actively pursuing treatment" (his words, not mine), he told me to come back in three months. I didn't bother making an appointment when I left cuz I'm just feeling completely defeated. Meds are not the solution to my problem.

- Friday I was supposed to see my therapist for the first time in three weeks, but she called two hours before I was to be there to cancel our appointment, claiming she had a migraine and wouldn't make it into the office. She also said she won't be able to see me next week either, so the next time I'll see her will be on the 25th. Personally, I don't believe for a second that anything was wrong with the bitch. If she was in such apparent distress that she had to cancel my appointment at the last minute, why was she calling me....and from the office?? Hello?? Most of us have a built-in bullshit detector on our's called "caller ID" bitch. If she truly had a migraine and was at home, it would have been someone from the office staff, not her, calling to cancel, just as they have done in the past.

I also don't believe she'll be out of the office on the 18th, as she claimed while calling me with the fake migraine, and I have every intention of verifying if that is true or not. I'll call the receptionist and say I left an important message on the T's voice mail but hadn't heard back and then ask if she is in the office. All I can say is, she sure as hell better be gone, for her own sake.

- Saturday I found out the ex is no longer in jail cuz he emailed me. Didn't say anything other than he's not doing well, but he did ask for info from his tax return so he could follow up on his stimulus check which wasn't delivered because, as usual, the stupid fuckhead didn't have his mail forwarded and the IRS has his last address on file, not his current one. I'd like to think he wants to follow up on it so quickly cuz of the email I sent just before I found out he was in jail telling him I expect at least $300 of it, since I didn't get a penny of the nearly 5 grand he got back in March for claiming the daughter he doesn't support on his income tax return. However, I'm a realist and I know he's following up on the check so quickly so he can spend all the money on himself or give it to his "girlfriend" who has been supporting his sorry ass.

Right now, I'm still angry, depressed, frustrated and tired; and that's probably not the worst of it. I stocked up on alcohol yesterday, my stash of Valium is quite plentiful and I recently found a package of razor blades I had hidden away in a drawer. While I'm not having any current thoughts of harming myself, I know all those negative feelings are stewing deep inside and it is just a matter of time before they burst thru the surface. Given the tools of personal mass destruction I have at hand, how I handle the impending meltdown will either reveal the inner strength I've been trying to cultivate or it'll be the harshest reality slap in the face I've ever received.