Friday, May 09, 2008

Void of life

"What's wrong? You look weird, you're acting strange."

The quips of an overly observant 16 year old. One that's probably more in tune to her mother's moods than she should be. Something is wrong, but I can't offer up an explanation. There's no way to give voice to the cold, dead emptiness I feel inside and even if there were, my child would be the last one I'd speak those words to. By hinting she senses something is wrong, I know she doesn't want to know what the actual problem is. She's just seeking reassurance that it has nothing to do with her and that everything will eventually be okay. I was only able to offer half of what she needed to hear and circumvented the rest.

I'm constantly fighting back the tears that well up and sting my eyes. As usual, I'm afraid that if allow them to start flowing, I won't ever be able to stop them. My therapist knows something is wrong as well, but fortunately she's on vacation this week and next, so I get to avoid discussing the matter. Hopefully all this will pass before she returns.

Hopefully all this will pass....that statement is as void of meaning as my soul is void of life. There is no hope. There is only the darkness that has swallowed me whole and is slowly suffocating me.