Sunday, April 06, 2008

Time management

My ability to manage time effectively has been shattered by a resurgence of energy. Mania? I'm not quite sure. My therapist tried to explain to me why she believes I qualify for the Bipolar diagnosis. She says that mania doesn't have to come in the form of an overzealous, hyperactive state. That excited, grandiose state I associate most with my ex. The constant rage I feel, the rage that overtakes me for weeks, months at a time, she says is the biggest red flag that I'm Bipolar.

Usually I'm quick to dismiss the possibility, but after taking note of what's been going on in my life right now, and reading more about the signs & symptoms of Bipolar, I'm finding it hard to be in denial. I'm sleeping less and less. I'm taking on more and more tasks (none of which ever gets finished, but luckily they are all personal things that have no impact on anyone except myself). And I'm losing touch with reality again.

It's tough to face this truth because I thought I was doing better mentally. I can see the downward spiral though, from a perspective that I never have before. Not sure why this time it's different. I find myself wondering if this new view of the situation will be advantageous. Will I be able to stop myself from inflicting any self harm? Or will the awareness I now hold fade as true reality fades.

For now I'm trying to find a way to manage my time. It seems like it should be a simple task. I'm not sleeping as much, so I therefore have more time to fit in the things that I want and need to do. Schedule each task for an hour a day and most would be complete in the time frames I have set in my head. But somehow time seems to vanish. Could I possibly be dissociating to the point I'm losing huge chunks of time versus the hour or less I typically have in the past?

Anorexia is about using food to feel as if you're in control of at least one aspect of life, when everything else seems to be out of control. I think I'm trying to control time for the same reasons. Yet the more I try to control it, the more I feel out of control. Typical result.