Meds & movie

The last three days I've woken up with a massive headache. I have no idea why. My first instinct is to blame the Buspar, but the kiddie has been sick during this time so I'm waiting to see if maybe I'm just coming down with what she has. While I can't pinpoint the cause of the headaches just yet, there does seem to be a possible link between my medication changes and changes in my mood. Though again, I'm not sure if it's directly related to the Buspar or if it is merely because I'm not on any anti-depressants at the moment.

I've been off the Cytomel and the Eldepryl for over two weeks now. I took the first dose of Buspar on Thursday night. Since Saturday, my mood and my accompanying behaviour have been all over the map. First I was quite irritable but also extremely anxious with a lot of energy to burn so I did a lot of stuff around the house and got a bunch of shopping done. Then I became overly giddy...laughing and doing strange things like putting a bag over my head and telling my daughter that this is why there is a warning on the box that says garbage bags are not toys. The next day my mood completely crashed and I was too depressed to get out of bed. Today I was in self loathing mode and instead of cutting to punish myself, I decided I'd make myself suffer by not taking anything for the headache I've had that is now bordering on a migraine. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

In other news, there is a documentary film being made on self injury called Written on the Body. When I found out about it and read what the film is about, I contacted the director to thank him for wanting to bring the topic to light in a manner that seems like it will be educational rather than glorified as something "cool" or as merely an attention seeking behaviour, which is primarily how I've seen it portrayed in movies, on talk shows and in various news reports. I also thanked him for including adults that self injure (the subjects in the film range in age from teens to someone in their mid-30's) because most people assume that this is a problem that only effects teens and 20 somethings. I also asked if, while touching on the subject of adults that self injure, mention could be made about the trouble adults have in finding treatment. More and more programs are available to treat self injury, but almost all are geared towards teens.

Much to my surprise, the director responded to my email and has asked if I would be interested in talking to him about my experience since I am an older adult that self injures. I'm not sure how to respond back. A part of me does want to have my voice heard, but a part of me is scared as hell to speak up. Because of my daughter, I'd need to remain anonymous if any part of my story were to be included in the film itself. It's one thing for me to be stigmatized because of my mental illnesses and their symptoms, it's another to have my daughter be on the receiving end if word got out to the masses that her mother is "crazy". Guess I'll think about it for another day or two.