Negated

All the positive events, the amazingly great time we had this weekend, was negated today in a mere 15 minutes. It is now all concealed behind the intense anger that has taken hold of my being. I have tried to claw through the all-consuming rage to access the memories of the calmer, happier time I know is right behind it, but it is impossible. Hours after the incident and I still can't get past the rage I feel.

I was supposed to have an appointment with the new therapist, and the fucking bitch ex one, today at 1 pm. I arrived on time only to have the new therapist say she wouldn't (not couldn't, WOULDN'T) meet with me because I had forgotten to bring the letter from my pdoc saying I was med compliant. I offered to drive back out and bring it later in the day or even tomorrow, but no, it wasn't even negotiable...no letter, no meeting. What the fuck? Yes, I was stupid for forgetting to bring the letter, I admit that. I should have put it some place where I would remember it. But to cancel our meeting just because I don't have a stupid, worthless piece of paper with me? One I don't really fucking need because there is no court order or anything saying that I MUST BE MEDICATED. How fucking idiotic is that?????????

Then she asks if I brought a list of goals for therapy. When I asked what the heck she was talking about, she claims she told me to bring this with as well. I told her I was mentally ill, not mentally retarded, and she NEVER mentioned having to bring any goals in. Nor was it ever mentioned in my chats with the woman I was dealing with prior to finally being assigned to a new therapist. All that was ever discussed was the med compliance letter, why the fucking bitch ex-therapist needed to be at my first meeting and trying to set up a time when the three of us could meet.

If I had been asked to bring in a list of goals or any other information, I would have written it down and/or mentioned it in a blog post (even if I had forgotten to actually write the goals or bring the info with me to the appointment), neither of which I did, so I know without a doubt that nothing was ever said to me about it. I see no reason for a list of goals anyway. There is a fresh treatment plan sitting in my chart, made just before I went into the hospital.

Things aren't looking good for this new therapist. I already think she's a fucking cunt for canceling over something so pathetically stupid after I drove all the way out there and I'm not sure it'll be possible for me to ever get past that. After having a few choice words (yes, that does mean a profanity laced rant) with her in the waiting room, I said what-fucking-ever to rescheduling to the 21st.

I left their office in such a rage I couldn't contain it. I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes, screaming at the top of my lungs hoping to let it all out. When that didn't work, I cranked the radio up as loud as it would go in hopes of drowning out the voices in my head that were telling me to do some very evil things...to them, to me. Still didn't help. In a near trance-like state I sped home, staring blankly at the road ahead of me, oblivious to most everything except my rage and the blaring music. I vaguely remember looking down once to see my speedometer pushing 90 mph. Once home, I physically assaulted myself. Even that didn't help eradicate the rage because the damage I wanted to inflict, needed to inflict, would have sent me to the hospital. Not an option right now.

I don't know if I should just give up on this center, which is clearly inducing some life-threatening rage; and if I do, where to go from here. If I give up on therapy all together for awhile, I either have to lie to my pdoc about going or he's going to give up on me until I find a new therapist. The only thing I know right now is that I'm clearly not in the appropriate state of mind to be making these sorts of decisions.

The only idea I've entertained with respect to all this is to spend the next two weeks writing hundreds of "goals" to give the woman cuz I have no fucking clue where to start with all the crap I know I need to work on and let her sort through it all. She wanted goals, she never said how many. If I do that though, I will also write a list of expectations I have of the therapist. If they can treat me like a dog, expecting me to jump through all these fucked up, ludicrous hoops for them, then there's nothing wrong with me having my own expectations. Mine will at least have solid merit and logical reasoning behind them.