Charity, shopping and meds

If I were rich, or even if I just had some disposable income, I'd do this where I live...

Secret Santa rides again in Kansas City

Right now, because I have such limited income, the only cause I give money to when I can is the Anti-cruelty Society. I started giving to them many years ago after I had to give a dog up and they were willing to take him in. They couldn't promise that he wouldn't be euthanized, but he was such a good, friendly dog and we had people interested in him as we were walking him down the street to give him up, that I refuse to believe his fate was anything other than being adopted by someone special.

It's hard to donate any money to any charity, because I don't trust that it will be spent properly. Even after reviewing the information charities release detailing what percentage goes to administrative costs and what actually goes towards their cause, I have a hard time trusting the numbers are accurate. I worked in accounting. It's not that difficult to fudge the numbers if you really wanted or needed to. In fact there's a term for it, it's called "creative accounting".

Anyway, today is going to be spent running around, getting the final gifts on my list. While I'm doing that I need to come up with ideas for what I'd like for Xmas because I only have one so far. I also need to go to the bakery and order a birthday cake (she wants a Phantom of the Opera one, imagine that); and I still need to find a nice dress for when we go see the play.

The dress is going to be a bitch because I've already looked a little and I'm not liking what I see. What's with the return to the 60's/70's? The gawd awful prints and color combinations are enough to make me gag. If this is what we have to look forward to for the next year, I might just take up sewing so I can make some decent clothes.

I'm taking a handful of Valium with me when I head out the door, because the rage is still overwhelming. When I told my pdoc that my depression isn't as bad but that my anger is out of control, he ignored the second half of that statement and said it sounded like I was making progress. That instantly triggered the rage and I snapped back that I hardly think trading one negative emotion for another was progress. I said it with such fierceness that he was taken back by it. His next question was what types of situations trigger the rage. I told him everything does. All those little annoyances in life that everyone can just brush off, even myself at times, send me over the edge these days.

He wanted to take me off the MAOI and put me on Celexa, but to do that, I'd have to be off the MAOI for at least a week. I told him that right now was the worst possible time to try that. With the holidays and then my daughter's bday, there's no way I can screw around with my meds and risk ending up back in the hospital. At first he said go off the MAOI and onto Paxil but I immediately shot down that idea. I've been on Paxil before, that stuff is the worst. I don't remember being on Celexa, so I'll have to check into that and see what the side effects are. If I'm up for it, I guess that will be the next course of action when I see him in mid-January. More drugs to try. More drugs that will probably fail. Joy.