Saturday, December 08, 2007

Trying to get this scheduled

The new therapist that I've been assigned to called yesterday to schedule this fucked up meeting I'm supposed to have with her and the fucking bitch (aka the ex-therapist). They had the audacity to expect that I'd cancel plans I already had to show up at the time they had chosen. When I said I was already busy that day, she flippantly responded with, "well, then we won't be able to schedule anything until after the holidays". As if I care. I told them not to bother trying to schedule anything for the first week of January either cuz I won't be around.

I also told her it would also be much easier for me to meet during the morning or early afternoon, rather than later in the day (they had wanted to meet at 3:30 pm). Apparently the fucking bitch told her that I pick my daughter up at 3 pm from school, but I was basically told that I need to work around their schedules and when they can fit me in. Well, since you "won't be able to schedule anything until after the holidays", which gives you a damn month, your schedules should still be pretty open and you can fucking schedule something earlier in the day now can't you?!?

Every time mention of having to meet with the fucking bitch comes up, I become so distressed that I can barely function. I have to take extra Valium to help calm me down. My daughter always knows when I'm talking on the phone to someone about this damn meeting simply from my reaction...the physical shaking, the voice on the verge of becoming hysterical, the tears. I had to explain a bit about what was going on because she was getting worried about me ending up back in the hospital. Even my 15 year old thinks it's ridiculous that I have to meet with the fucking bitch in order to get a new therapist. Her reaction was the same as mine, "what could possibly be gained from it?"

I feel like this is a test. The fucking bitch is deliberately pushing my buttons, though I'm not sure why. Maybe she has a superiority complex and is pissed off that I walked out on her. Maybe the clinic itself is tired of dealing with me and is hoping that I'll refuse to meet with her and they'll have an excuse to ban me from receiving services there. Maybe it's one of the other millions of thoughts running through my head. I do know that it is not the clinic's typical policy to require a meeting with an old therapist before a new one will be assigned, so I'm not sure why I'm being made to maneuver around this unfair roadblock.

I'm trying really fucking hard not to let this get to me. Trying not to let the rage take over and give up on myself, even if it seems like that's what everyone else wants to do. I plan to have this meeting with the fucking bitch in attendance, but I also plan on not directly acknowledging her presence. Instead I'll indirectly get my jabs in at her, since she seems intent on doing the same to me. I plan to tell the new therapist that I'm looking for someone that isn't going to let their own frustration get in the way of my treatment. That I'm looking for someone that isn't going to tell me to engage in harmful behaviours, particularly not when I've just told them I'm struggling mentally. That I'm looking for someone with the guts to be honest and come right out and tell me if they feel they are unable to help me.

I have a feeling that despite all I'm doing to try and keep my emotions under control, this meeting isn't going to go well at all. If my rage and distress is this significant when I just talk about it, what's it going to be like when I'm actually in the midst of the reality?


Blogger anna said...

I cannot believe you have to meet with her? WTF? Who is making you do that shit?

Giant hug your way Sid.

7:31 AM, December 09, 2007  
Blogger Valorosa said...

I'm wondering, is it possible for you to take a friend with you? Someone who knows you and loves you and will be a witness and an advocate if need be?

My son has had mental health problems since he was 12 resulting from a head injury when he was barely 2 years old. I have found that I have had to be an advocate on his behalf many times with those who are set up to "help" him.

There are good people in mental health but there are some very weird ones as well. I haven't really decided what the ratio is. I'm leaning more toward 80% weird and controlling and 20% good.

You are in my heart and mind.

4:57 PM, December 09, 2007  
Blogger Marie said...

I think it sucks ass that you have to be put through this crap again!!

Do your best to try and overcome your feelings of anger and frustration-I KNOW it's hard!

I don't understand why you have to rearrange YOUR schedule to suit theirs!

9:19 AM, December 10, 2007  
Blogger Private said...

OMFG. Why on earth are they making you do this? I am so sorry. It sounds...dare I say one of those mental health professional power plays. They just DO stuff like this. It totally totally sucks. :(

6:00 AM, December 13, 2007  

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