Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Mommy trumps crazy

The mommy side of me is fucking winning again. As rationally irrational as 99% of my mind is, this one tiny section has a commanding voice. At the moment, I've resigned myself to listen to it.

I told my daughter today that I'm going to call my doctor on Thursday. She knew immediately what that meant, that I will probably be in the hospital for awhile. Even though it hasn't been spoken, we both know I'm not doing well; and when I said that to her, she agreed. She doesn't want me in the hospital, but I told her it was better than the alternative. After talking about it for awhile and trying to figure out who would drive her to school, physical therapy and all her other activities, she finally said that it's better I go now than to wait any longer. Neither of us cares about Thanksgiving, but Christmas is coming, as is her 16th birthday and her school schedule is about to get even more hectic.

I know she's already quite busy, which is part of the reason why I'm waiting until Thursday to call, so I explained to her that it's okay if she doesn't come visit me. That I didn't want her to feel obligated to somehow squeeze that in if she didn't have time. Plus I know it's hard for her to come see me there and then have to leave without me. She said she'd still visit cuz she wants to. There's no school on Monday and then she's off school the entire week of Thanksgiving, so that will help free up some time, no homework.

My guess is that if I do go in the hospital, it will probably be a minimum two week stay, most likely three. If he wants to switch my meds at all, which I have no idea what else there's left to try, I will need to be off the MAOI for 2 weeks before he can put me on something else.

As soon as that door locks behind me and I can't leave until they say so, I'll regret this decision. But for now, I'm going to stay heavily medicated so I can't ruminate about my other option.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't sound 99% irrational at all. In fact, you sound like you are completely in control. I think that you have become quite adept at manipulating everyone.

10:10 AM, November 07, 2007  
Blogger James said...

You're showing a lot of courage and strength. I hope your stay is helpful and will see a break-through for you.

You will be in my thoughts and thank-you for knowing when to get extra help.

11:32 AM, November 07, 2007  
Blogger Sid said...

I think that you have become quite adept at manipulating everyone.

I'd love to have that statement expounded upon. How exactly am I manipulating anyone? I'd love at least an example or two of who specifically is being manipulated by what particular action? What do I have to gain from this supposed manipulation?

Since you don't know me personally, you can only be passing this judgment based on what you're reading here. This blog is merely for writing down my thoughts as they are currently swirling through my head and the experiences I go through. How any of that can be equated to manipulation is apparently beyond my comprehension, so please, enlighten me.

Feel free to email me at if you think your response will be too lengthy to write here.

2:14 PM, November 07, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid, go back and read your entire blog. You need a wake up call. It sounds harsh to call you manipulative, but that is the way I see it after following your writing for some time. I do understand how badly you hurt at times. I have been there myself. Can you honestly not see that overdosing, threatening suicide, cutting, and hiding the truth from therapists who are trying to help is a manipulative cry for attention that just never changes with you? No medication in the world can fix that. Find yourself a therapist that you can trust just a little. Look in the mirror, and do the work. People really do care.

6:19 PM, November 07, 2007  
Blogger Marie said...

Don't trip Sid you are just being a parent! Just dropping by to say hello! I have been very busy with teaching. One of my classes ended on Monday so I now have more time to catch up with everybody! I hope you are doing well. Keep in touch!

11:25 AM, November 08, 2007  
Blogger Maggs said...

Ouch! That was some tough love from Anon.

I agree about finding a good therapist-and you and i have had that conversation before offline. Finding my Dr. M has honestly been what has saved me.

I hope you can find a Dr. M too...

Email me sometime, ok? NOw that I'm working, I have little time for blogging.

11:41 PM, November 08, 2007  
Blogger anna said...

I've glad you spoke up and are going to get help.

We're only as sick as the secrets we keep.

And what someone said on the prior post about passing on the anguish after a loved one's suicide. My therapist told me a parents suicide increases the childs risk of doing the same.

Good luck Sid. I think about you all the time and remember you in my prayers.


3:06 PM, November 09, 2007  
Blogger sansanity said...

I'm not sure words whispered in anonymity can be considered tough love since you do not know who whispered them and if love was really their intent.

It seems to me if "anonymous" was going to go off spouting such "truths" then perhaps a little education about the illnesses (the "manipulative" aspect of behavior in relationships is a very common aspect in Borderline Personality Disorder done for various reasons.) and how words may affect.

Sid is at a crucial moment making a difficult decision. Words slung so carelessly & almost self-righteously could have just as easily pushed her down another path away from the help she had chosen to go get.

We all sometimes have to be painfully honest with each other, it is necessary if we are to help each other improve. There is truth in Anonymous' words but they felt tainted with a bit of cruelness to me which negated their truth and made them one more scar on an already scarred soul.

4:15 PM, November 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tough love, indeed.

Sid, you need to make changes otherwise you are doomed to repeat your mistakes.

7:57 PM, November 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid: You haven't updted in a while. I can only gather that you are in hospital. A shame really. You should be looking after your daughter.

12:45 PM, November 15, 2007  
Blogger sansanity said...

so if Sid had diabetes and she noticed it was beginning to go dangerously uncontrolled risking her being comatosed or death, to be a good parent she should stay out of the hospital to "take care of her kid?" WTF? Sid is ensuring that she will be here to care for her kid by getting the best medial care for her condition.

I salute you Sid. as the child of a parent who did not deal with her mental illness and stayed and "cared" for me, she was there in body but i am just beginning to be able to unravel the havoc it wreaked in my life.

If my mom had been braver, maybe I would have been less afraid and sought help sooner and spared myself much angst following a better example she would have set.

5:25 PM, November 17, 2007  

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