Sunday, November 04, 2007

Haven't been misdiagnosed

Working with the assumption that I haven't been misdiagnosed (cuz I do believe that I suffer from major depression, BPD and anxiety/panic disorder), but that there is some hidden explanation behind why my symptoms are so severe and nothing seems to be of help, I've been doing research online. I know I shouldn't be doing this because it only adds to my hopelessness, but I NEED an explanation for why I am the way I am. NEED to know why nothing is working for me.

I went back to something I'd considered and wrote about in May of 2006, that my mental illnesses were not caused by genetics, bad parenting or anything along those lines, but rather by brain injury. In my search, I came across a website, Brain In their article entitled, Brain Injury and Neuropsychiatric Problems, it states:

There is substantial psychological and neuro-behavioral evidence available to support the fact that traumatic brain injury (TBI) is a risk factor for subsequent psychiatric disorders. In the Journal of Brain Injury (van Reekum R, 1996). The study revealed high rates for post-TBI patients of major depression, bipolar affective disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline and avoidant personality disorders.
Oh lookie mentions all three diagnoses that I have. Since my first traumatic brain injury occurred as a child, I read the article, Brain Injury in Children, and found this particular part of interest...

The development of the frontal lobes in a child continues until the age of around 16 (obviously this is a little old since it's now been determined that it continues into the early 20's). Disturbances in this growth can cause subtle but profound problems. Because changes in this area of the brain effect "the executive functions" they effect basically what it is to be human. Unfortunately, some of these changes only become apparent at later stages of development (Oddy M. 1993). The child will confront challenges as he or she grows up, such as increasingly difficult math leading to Algebra, increased difficulty with higher level learning in high school, the challenges of college, and the increasingly difficult and complex social interactions expected of a person approaching adulthood.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find much about the chances of recovery from brain injury induced mental illness. I don't know why the hell I'm even researching this. I know my brain is defective, damaged beyond repair. I have reinstituted the d-day plan I had a few years back, only the deadline is much shorter this time around.

There's still that mommy part of me fighting back I guess. Fighting to spare my daughter the agony I'm about to inflict upon her. If only she could understand. If only everyone could understand.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't know what to tell you, other than the pain doesn't end when you die. The pain get's passed onto the ones you leave behind.

Do you really want that to be your legacy?

Listen to that mommy voice in you. It is the voice of hope.

4:07 PM, November 05, 2007  
Blogger Joel said...

I can relate. I had a few bell-ringers when I was a kid.

4:16 PM, November 06, 2007  

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