Fatigue & Christmas

Monday, January 7th at 1 pm. That is when I have the appointment with my new and old therapists. Once I finally get around to writing it down on my calendar, which I hopefully will do tomorrow, I'm not going to think about it again until that morning. It just perpetuates the rage which is already far too predominate lately.

There's a lot to do this week and I have no idea if I'll be able to get it done. I believe the Cytomel my pdoc put me on is making me extremely fatigued. No amount of sleep helps. I could sleep 20 hours a day if I didn't have anything else to do. I checked the side effects for the med and fatigue is one that can occur if there's too much of it in your system. Increased irritability is too. I'm thinking that yet another med has bit the dust. I can already be quite irritable and tired, I don't need medications to make those symptoms even more severe.

I mailed my first ever PostSecret in last week. If it ends up on the website or in an upcoming book, I'll fess up to which one is mine. I doubt it will though. I've heard so many people say they felt like a weight had been lifted off their shoulders when they released their secret. I didn't feel anything. Maybe it wasn't the right secret.

It's hard to believe Christmas is next week. I've finished shopping for my nieces and nephews. Still need to get something for the old people and my daughter. I also need to decide if I'm willing to give any money to my daughter so she can get something for her father. I'm sure she doesn't want to get him anything, and it seems stupid for me to give her money to do so, particularly when he's a deadbeat dad. Plus he never gives her money to get me anything...I do. I pay for my own gifts. But I only do so because the kiddie has told me it makes her feel good to be able to give me a present or two.

There's no decorations up yet. I haven't had the energy or the desire to screw with that stuff. Going with the bare minimum this year, a tree and maybe a wreath or two. Seems like a near repeat of the Christmas we had in 2004, the first one after the ex left. Before that year I was SO into decorating. Everything was beautiful. We'd get a real tree each year and spend days going from lot to lot so I could find the perfect one. Our house looked like we hired professional decorators each year, I was that meticulous about doing it "perfectly".

In 2004 though, I was far too depressed. So uninterested in Christmas that I didn't get around to even looking for a tree until Christmas Eve, not realizing the lots are all closed by then. I ended up buying this pathetic 3 ft tall fake tree at Target, the last one they had and the only one I could afford. I didn't have a job at the time either, so there were only 4 tiny presents under it. It was the worst Christmas I ever gave my daughter. To this day it brings me to tears thinking about it. We couldn't even just celebrate the joy of the season and do other things to make up for the lack of presents, cuz I had no desire to even be alive at that time.

Things won't be that bad this year, but there is no holiday spirit in me. It's not a bah humbug feeling. I am glad Christmas is coming. My mood is just so flat (except when I'm raging) that I just don't have the ability to get into the joy of the holiday. I'll force myself to get the tree up. I'll drink heavily so I can act "cheery" on Christmas Eve when my family comes over. I'll get the presents purchased and wrapped in time. I'm just not going to actually enjoy any of it.