Saturday, March 22, 2008

Yep, STILL sick...ugh!

Whatever it is that I have, I'm still fighting it. The incessant chest congestion sends me into coughing fits that have made me vomit a few times. The sinuses are constantly filled with snot. Thank gawd for Puffs with the lotion or my nose would be beet red and the skin would be falling off in chunks. I still feel achy & feverish most days, though that is improving a little.

It's been three weeks now. I've been sick for three weeks, even with taking care of myself by getting plenty of rest, drinking lots of water, going to the doctor & taking my meds as prescribed. I can't help looking at this as another glaring example of how life goes for me. Doesn't matter what I do, I get hit with the shit stick on a regular basis.

Saw my pdoc on Thursday. First thing he says..."oh, new haircut?" I know he has a lot of patients, but this is the third time I've seen him since I got all my hair cut off and he's just now noticing? He was the third guy to make that same comment to me that day. It's nice to know that even when people see me, they don't really see me.

He upped the dosage of Buspar by 10 mgs, though I haven't yet taken the higher dose. The prescription I have right now runs out in a week, so I figured I'd just wait until then to get the new one filled. That way I won't have any pills to hoard.

I've actually considered throwing out the largest bottle of pills in my current stash. There are probably 200 pills in it though I don't recognize anything except Zoloft. Most of the pills are a year or two old and I don't really need them. I still have half a bottle of Eldepryl left. A handful of those with just about any other medication would kill me since it's an MAOI. Why keep more pills on hand than I could possibly need in an emergency? Not that I'm in a place where those thoughts are running rampant. I just need the peace of mind that they are there. To others, having that "out" laying around is disturbing, to me it's comforting.

Saw my T on Friday. We finished working on a new treatment plan. She asked if I'd like to work on anything with respect to the ex, since the plan from last year included stuff I've since managed to resolve. Half-jokingly I told her I'd like to hire a hitman and be done with that problem once and for all. When she started to feverishly write something down after I said it, I was quick to quantified that statement by saying that while I'd seriously love to do it, he's definitely not worth going to prison over.

Luckily I haven't heard a peep out of him for about a month now. He hasn't even contacted his daughter. Of course this is because he called me a second time, towards the end of last month, asking again if his daughter hates him and I finally divulged the truth. He tried to dig for details and when that didn't work, he eventually tried using emotional blackmail. "Well if she doesn't love me, than I might as well just kill myself."

I remained calm, steadfast and civil throughout the conversation. I wasn't even mean about how I told him. I simply said that she isn't happy with his behaviour over the years, and gave a couple of prime examples of how it has had a negative impact on her life, examples she frequently brings up herself when mention of him comes up in our conversations, stuff she's told her therapist as well. When he asked why she has never told him any of this, I told him it's because she feels he will just get angry and not listen to what she has to say. I let him know that if he wants any further details or wants to work on mending their relationship, that's between the two of them, I won't be involved. The only help I offered was to arrange to have him meet us at her therapist's office to have a third party mediate the conversation between the two of them while I sit in the waiting room. I also suggested that maybe he write out his feelings and mail her a letter since she won't take his calls and if she wants, she could do the same, at least as a way to get communication flowing between them again.

Obviously he's chosen to do nothing, which is sad, but I'm not going to allow myself to get sucked in to try and fix everything. It's not my problem to fix. It's his even if he refuses to see that. He's a pro at shifting the blame to everyone else rather than take a good long look at himself and his actions. He honestly doesn't see that his untreated bipolar is the root of a lot of his problems, including the lack of relationship with his daughter. He's probably waiting for the kiddie to make the first move. But given that he's the adult, he should be making it.