Sunday, April 13, 2008

It came, I felt, I lived

The mind numbing depression that I struggled with all last week didn't kill me. It came, I felt it and I lived. That's not to say it's gone or even diminished greatly, but I survived without hurting anything...except my bank account. Even that isn't damaged beyond repair, I'll just have to watch what I spend the rest of the month.

The panic is starting to overtake me again though. Tomorrow is the return flight home and I hope it is as uneventful as the flight down. I'm thankful that I get to pick her up from the airport. I can't wait to hug her, kiss her and tell her how much I love her. It's just not the same to text her and say I love you, which is what I've done every night.

It wasn't the trip she was expecting. There was a lot of disappointment there, but I hope that once I hear the full story, that she actually had a better time than she's let on so far. Most of our discussions revolved around her needing support from her mommy cuz she got seasick and her knee was killing her since she couldn't wear her brace at all. No one understands and gives comfort like mom when she's not feeling well, even if I can only do it via a cellphone from 1500 miles away.

Having her gone stirred up a lot of emotions I know that I need to confront and soon, because if I wait too much longer, I'll be ill-prepared for what the future holds. The first and foremost is the fact that I don't know who I am without her. She's what's kept me alive through all the downward spirals, her needing me full time for the love, support and guidance she can't get from anyone else. What happens when she doesn't need me as much any more? What happens when she goes off to college? What happens when she moves out on her own? I have no identity except mommy. The reality of that hit hard this past week and scared the hell out of me.

I know that a lot of mothers go through a similar crisis. However, given my propensity to spiral so quickly into the bitterly dark depths of depression, such a crisis could prove fatal if I'm not prepared. Hell, it could prove fatal even if I think I am.