Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Dread and temptation

It has been nearly impossible to drag myself from bed the last week. I did though, but only because my daughter required it. What happens now that school is over? The answer I don't want to accept is that I have to continue to force myself to keep going when all I want to do is crumble in defeat. The calendar is full, I've taken on too many obligations this month. Obligations that I can't back out of, either because it will adversely effect a lot of other people, or it will adversely effect my bank account.

At this point I'm dreading the mere six days in a row I have this month that so far remain blank on the calendar. There are no trips, no appointments, nothing to distract from the depression that continues to shroud my existence in misery every minute, every second. I feel as if I can't afford to stop moving for my own safety, all the while knowing that the constant barrage of activities is only jeopardizing the illusion of safety I'm desperately trying to cling to.

The temptation to pop open the bottle of Eldepryl and start swallowing is difficult to fight. So is the desire for self-inflicted exsanguination.

In a post I wrote on February 10th I talked about the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy my T wanted me to try. In that post I quoted a paragraph that stated...

This book is about how to move from suffering to engagement with life. Rather than waiting to win the internal struggle with your own self so that your life can begin, this book is about living now and living fully - with (not in spite of) your past, with your memories, with your fears, and with your sadness.

Somehow I think the author's use of the term "suffering" was not meant to include treatment-resistant, suicidal depression. It's not conceivably possible to engage in a life worth living while dealing with such a strong desire for death.