All over again

As mentioned in my last post, today is the fourth anniversary of my blog. Yippee. Woohoo. I'm thrilled, can you tell? The other news is that this is my 800th post. I've posted an average of 200 days a year for the last four years...maybe I need to find something more productive to do. At least I didn't spend the other 165 days per year (+1 for the leap year) in the hospital, though with my whacked out brain, it's possible that I should have.

I might actually be thrilled that I've kept at something for so long, but this has been a pretty crappy day for me and I only just managed to crawl out of bed at 4 pm. Not sure why, but the memories of my sexual abuse have wandered from the dark recesses of my brain and have been flooding my thoughts with visions, smells and sensations I'd rather never remember again. It's all too vivid, too clear...as if I've traveled back in time and it is happening all over again, in real time.

The need to vomit is overwhelming, as is the need to purge these images from my head once and for all. Today is one of those days where if I had a gun, I would pull the trigger. Not because I want to die, but rather because in my current distress, I'd impulsively, irrationally and foolishly think that I could rid myself of my past by doing so.