Thursday, July 22, 2004

One more visit

I saw my therapist Ms. J today. She said I have only one more visit with her until I'm transferred into their long term therapy program. I never will understand why they do things this way. For people that need immediate therapy, they assign what they call a transitional therapist. Then after 12 weeks, they find a permanent therapist for you. Isn't part of the therapy process building a relationship with the therapist so you will feel comfortable revealing things you probably haven't revealed to anyone else before? Here I've finally opened up to Ms. J a little bit and just when I was starting to feel she was a safe person to talk to, they're going to yank me out of her care and push me off on someone new.

I've been to quite a few therapists over the years, and so far Ms. J is the only one I was able to see for any length of time. I walked out on most of the rest after 2 or 3 visits and never returned because I didn't like them. Didn't like the way they talked to me, or some didn't even talk at all, they expected me to do all the talking. Ms. J at least worked with me. She made it clear that she wasn't going to do all the talking, but she would guide the conversation by asking questions. I did walk out on her in frustration after about the 3rd visit and almost didn't go back. I was not used to someone challenging my thoughts and felt like she was attacking me.

When I didn't schedule another appointment after walking out on her, she did contact me to talk about it. None of my past therapists had ever done that. Never called to find out why I had not made another appointment. Think they were glad to see me go so they didn't have to deal with me any longer.

So Monday is my last visit with Ms. J and I'm not looking forward to it. Comes down to the side of borderline I hate most of all...the abandonment issue. I've been trying to tell myself that this is just how their program works. That Ms. J isn't trying to get rid of me, I didn't do anything wrong. But making myself believe that is the hard part. A part of me feels she is abandoning me, giving up on me because I'm not fixable.

I'm not looking forward to starting over from scratch with another therapist. What if I don't like this new person? I don't get to choose who they stick me with, don't get to meet anyone ahead of time and see who I might feel least awkward with. If I don't like them, I will probably quit therapy again instead of trying to find someone new.

It seems to me that getting help is always far more complicated and frustrating than it should be. It just adds to my feelings of hopelessness & wonder I refer to myself as the mass defective. The crap with the DBT group, the crap with all the therapists, crap I went through each time I was hospitalized. I've even had crappy psychiatrists. The first one I ever saw said directly to my face "you're a very difficult person, but I guess I'm willing to work with you". I told her to fuck off & die.

Then there's Dr. G. What a fucking incompetent person she turned out to be. I can't believe the woman even has a medical license. Should have known something was amiss when she never said she wanted to see me on a regular basis. Then she had me locked up simply because I missed an appointment. I had left her a message on a Friday afternoon to discuss what had happened. Sat by the phone for a few hours and when there was no return call, I figured she'd just call back the following Monday so I went for a walk. She tried calling while I was out and when she got no answer she proceeded to call 911. So I returned to find the police, fire department and paramedics about ready to knock my door down. They insisted I go to the hospital even though I tried to explain what had happened.

I ended up being hospitalized for less than 24 hours. The staff and her colleague that saw me on the inpatient unit didn't understand why I was even admitted. Needless to say, I never saw the bitch again. She's still trying to collect money from me for my last visit with her in October, money I flat out refuse to pay. It's only $11, so it's not like I'm stiffing her for a large amount or anything. She's such a bitch that when I applied for disability and the state requested my medical records from her, she never sent them. Never replied to the voice mail messages I left her asking if she'd even received the request from the state.

All the crap just makes me wonder, is it just me? Am I doing something wrong? It's so hard for me to ask for help and when I try to reach out, I just end up getting screwed. It's like life is trying to tell me "give up you stupid fuck, you aren't fixable, your life will always suck, I won't ever allow you to be happy, I'm going to throw every possible roadblock in your way if you even attempt to change things, just fucking die already". I think I'm finally getting the message.


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