Saturday, July 24, 2004

Damn I'm exhausted

I feel so emotionally and physically exhausted today, worse than I ever have. Went to bed at about midnight last night and didn't get up until almost 2 pm today. I woke up several times during the night so it wasn't completely restful, but I know I did get some good sleep. Still feel like I'm ready to collapse though, feel like I could sleep for a week.

I had a pretty good day yesterday. My sister and I took our daughters down to Navy Pier and to the beach. We left the house at 10 am and didn't return until almost 10 pm, so we were on the go all day. There were a few times when I could feel the depression and anxiety creeping up on me and I did my best to distract myself from those feelings. It was good to get out, and it was really good to be back in the city. I'll always love Chicago.

As for the exhaustion, it's been building for awhile. It's really hard to fake it and try to put on a happy face every day for my daughter. Trying to act like every thing is ok so she doesn't worry about me. The weariness is showing in my face though because my daughter often tells me I look tired. Can't remember when I've been so exhausted.

I really want to cry, need to cry, but the tears won't come. Occasionally a tear or two will escape but I think I've been stifling them too long that I don't remember how to let them out. I'll just have to wait until they explode out on their own. Then I'll be complaining that I can't stop them. It's always all or nothing.

So far I've felt nothing from the Ritalin my pdoc put me on. I did miss both doses yesterday though because I forgot to take the first dose when I woke up and I didn't think we'd be gone all day, so I didn't bring the second dose with me. This is the first time I've been given meds to take during the day, so I'm having a hard time remembering to take them. Guess I should put reminder notes in different locations so I don't forget. I'll give this Ritalin another week, if nothing happens, I think I am going to quit taking medications all together.


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